


Hold On, I Still Want You

by saltyhunter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Wings, Angst, Dean being a douchebag, Faux!Dean flirts with Cas, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Dean Winchester, Jealousy, M/M, Wing Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2020-01-16 17:36:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 31,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18526339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltyhunter/pseuds/saltyhunter
Summary: Castiel, Sam and Dean get stuck in the "Bad Place". They unexpectedly meet another "Dean Winchester" and the way that this new "Dean" reacts to Cas is absolutely shocking. He kisses Castiel and start telling him how much he missed him. He says that he waited so long for Cas to come and rescue him and the three of them are just completely speechless...





	1. Loving and Figthing

Dean shifted in his sleep, uttering a grunt. His hand automatically moved, slapping the spot under his hear where he felt the mosquito bite. Sam Winchester lied a few feet away, hands curled around his body, shivering from time to time.

He’s cold, Castiel realized. He headed to Sam, stripping off the trench coat he wore constantly. After covering Sam he headed back to the rock. Since he’s the only one of the group who can’t fall asleep, the task of keeping them safe at night fell upon him. He’s been sitting here all night. If he wasn’t an angel who already lived the equivalence of a thousand human lives, he would’ve gotten bored within the first hour.

Contemplating humanity never gets old though. Everywhere Castiel laid his eyes he could see the proof of his Father’s love for this world. At night, the forest resurrected. The wind carried away its music, a concerto of wolves’ howls, cicadas’ drones and owls’ hoots. Above them a few stars hang on to the limpid sky, almost afraid to shine, tiny crystal of lights on this dark void.

Castiel closed his eyes for a brief second. During his lifetime he never encountered anything as compelling as the nature on earth. He opened them, the eldest Winchester catching his sight. Well… Humans were also quite compelling, though Castiel couldn’t allow himself to nurture such thoughts about Dean.  Not ever.

Somewhere behind the trees surrounding them, a silhouette appeared. Castiel lift his head but it was no longer there. The angel stood up, leaving the brothers behind, he walked to the darkness.

He reached a glade in the woods and stopped in the middle of it, circled by pines so high they seemed to reach the sky. Their thin trunk couldn’t dissimulate an intruder but the angel was not alone.  He could feel the presence of a human being.

“I know you’re here. Show yourself or I’ll make you.” Castiel’s eyes glowed, a manifestation of his angelic powers. He remained immobile, senses alert. Time passed. An owl flew away and a frog jumped past him.

“Sammy? Cas?!”

The voice that broke the silence came from where he left the Winchesters sleeping. There! Castiel’s head swerved to the right. Those bushes just moved. The angel blade slid down on his hand. He took one step forward and halted. A hand had grabbed his shoulder. Castiel turned around, ready to strike.

“Do we have company?”

Sam. The angel exhaled.

“You should have wake Dean up.  He’s worried.”

 “Pretty sure he’s used to it by now. What’s going on here?”

Castiel gestured toward the bushes, his eyes sending the message. Sam took the lead, brandishing the machete he brought with him. They reached their target and exchanged a look. A moment later the metal sliced through the leaves, exposing an unexpected scene.

Sam’s tensed shoulders relaxed.

“Intercourse,” Castiel stated. He caught Sam studying him and misunderstood the humor sparkling in his eyes for confusion. “It’s mating season. It’s when the… the…” He designated the rabbit pounding the female under it.

“I know what sex is Cas, you don’t have to give me the talk.” Sam could barely keep a straight face and seeing the angel so uncomfortable made it harder.

“Hey, you two!” Dean appeared the trench coat a ball compressed between his fists. “So what, none of you guys thought about waking me the hell up?” The anger showing on his face would make anyone else shudder but not Sam. He caused this expression so many times he became immune to it.

“It was a false signal Dean. Let’s go back to sleep.”

He began walking off but his brother wasn’t done yet.

“That’s not the point Sam. This place is not earth, hell it can be even worse than earth! You can’t disappear whenever you feel like it without telling me first. And you…” Dean got closer to Castiel before throwing the coat at him, the satisfaction of the clothe smacking the angel made him feel better. “You better not let him do that again.”

Castiel looked down, ashamed. The only thing he seemed to be brilliant at was disappointing Dean. They wouldn’t be here in the first place if he’d been able to find Kaia when they were still on earth. Without the weapon she created the chances of defeating Michael were close to zero. She managed to escape and went back to “the bad place.” They had no choice but to follow.

 “Is that really you Cas?”

A new voice, quite familiar though, came from behind the angel and all the attention drifted on the new comer. They all froze. Three long seconds passed, stretching out like eternity. Where did this man come from? His eyes were wild, tired, tormented… And despite the beard there was no mistaking the person standing in front of them.

“I can’t… I can’t believe it. That’s… fuck!”

The bag on his shoulder hit the ground. He ran to Castiel, shoving him in a hug. Arms clung to the angel, nose breathing him in, hands recovering the sensation of having him so close. No one reacted. Everybody just…starred. Trembling fingers brushed Castiel’s skin, caressing his neck, fidgeting with his hair, lips started pecking his jaw, firm, feverish, and desperate.

“God… I missed you. I missed this.”

When lips reached to meet his, Castiel finally moved, his hands squeezing the shoulders of the man standing in front of him. A simple gesture but a clear message: stop. Confusion spread in the green eyes looking at him. In the tense silence that followed the only thing that made a sound was the gun Dean Winchester loaded behind Castiel.

“Alright pal, show’s over. Step back.” Dean pointed the gun at another version of himself. They clothes were different but the style remained the same, jacket over two layers of flannel and a plain t-shirt. His hand was still on Castiel’s chest when he spotted the gun pointed at him, then the person holding it. He gaped at Dean, his hand falling down.

“Shape shifter, right? How’d you get in here?” Sam approached, machete in hand, silver thankfully. One swing and the bastard’s head go down. “Did you follow us from earth?” That would mean Jack could be injured. He stayed behind in the bunker to keep an eye on the rift. Even without his powers a shape shifter couldn’t have fooled the nephilim. Maybe he got knocked unconscious.

As if echoing Sam’s thought Castiel’s voice struck, “What did you do to Jack?”

“Jack?” Confused green eyes looked back to Castiel and the angel quivered as he witnessed the emotions displaying behind the emeralds. His warrior alter ego takes over crushing this moment of foolishness and the angel blade finds his way against the imposter’s neck.

“Speak.”

When hurt flashed in the imposter’s eyes, Castiel tried to ignore the guilt spreading in his chest. This man wasn’t Dean. He couldn’t be. Dean would never look at him the way this man did, let alone touch him, kiss him…

“Now,” Castiel growled, the blade dipping further against the flesh when the imposter remained silent for too long.

“I’ve been stuck here for months, Cas I…” His voice trailed off as tears appeared in his eyes. “I waited, and I prayed to you, every goddamn night. Jesus! Darling…”

Castiel winced, so much love in a simple word. He let go, blade disappearing. Unsure of what to do the angel turned to the Winchesters. At his left, Sam seemed torn between mistrust and curiosity. Dean kept studying the imposter, not buying his crap. Castiel guessed the hunter’s next move on his face. But before he had a chance to stop him Dean already pulled the trigger.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's quite short but I hope you enjoyed the first chapter!


	2. Accusing, Denying

 

Dean aimed for the heart.

  
Bang!

  
In the moment following the detonation another event occurred, too fast for Dean’s eyes to have witnessed, because he’s a human and humans are wingless. However, Sam Winchester understood what Castiel did before his brother lowered the gun and noticed the angel standing in front him. A slideshow of expressions crossed his face going from disorientation to absolute rage.

  
“What the hell Cas!”

  
“This man is no monster Dean.”

  
“Did you just take a bullet for him?”

  
“I can heal myself.”

  
Dean mouth opened though he remained voiceless, nonsense, absolute nonsense! He turned to Sam in disbelief. The younger brother shrugged and before he even spoke Dean knew he wouldn’t have back up on his side.

  
“If Cas says he’s human…”

  
“Have you all gone nuts?!” Raging, Dean’s gaze traveled from Sam to Castiel and finally landed on the imposter standing behind him. Hatred filled his eyes, lava reddening his face, muscles so clenched they might rip off. He took one step forward, which Castiel mirrored.

  
“Caass…”

  
The syllable lengthened on the hunter’s tongue but the warning had no effect on Castiel’s warrior alter ego. Sam stepped in, aware that his brother might explode anytime soon. He searched for an argument persuasive enough to cool down the emeralds in ebullition.

  
“Listen Dean, we could interrogate him, acquire information about Kaia.”

  
Dean’s attention finally shifted from the imposter to hold his brother’s concerned look. Kai, the weapon, taking Michael down before he destroyed earth. The reasons why they came here rushed back to his memory and the lava retired from his stare.

  
“You guys came here to find Kaia?”

  
The imposter’s voice nearly made them jumped. Sam and Castiel glanced at Dean to see if was going to try anything, the hunter put the gun away but his unfriendly face remained, obviously uncooperative. Sam decided to do the talking.

  
“You know Kaia?”

  
“She’s the reason, I got stuck here.”

  
***

  
Castiel was back on his spot, the rock, though the situation this time was different from minutes ago. The brothers were no longer asleep. Instead they held an interrogation as impressive as all their fake FBI agents’ impersonations. The imposter sat on the ground close to his bag, while the Winchesters remained standing. Questions popped at the second, the brothers not resting a bit. They had to check the imposter’s mind. See how much of Dean’s memory was in there.

  
“How did you defeat Amara?”

  
“WE didn’t defeat Amara,” he answered, rolling his eyes. The trap in Dean’s question was so obvious. “She and God made out. Then they took off on some brotherly celestial vacation, never heard from Him since. Have you guys?”

  
The sarcasm provoked a tiny smile on Castiel’s lips. He spotted it before the angel regained his neutral face. His eyes still holding Castiel’s, he winked, Sam’s eyebrows raised and Dean’s hand craved to reach for his gun.

  
“Hey, you’re talking me, quit looking at the angel!”

  
“What’s the problem with that?” The annoyance on his face was purposely there when the imposter looked back at Dean. The hunter thought about the knife in his back pocket and how satisfying it would be to carve out his eyeballs.

  
“You think I’m stupid? I can see you trying to get into his head!”

  
“And how am I supposed to pull that off? I’m human, you heard him. Or maybe you happen to be death and stupid?” He laughed at his own joke offering Dean the excuse he’s been looking for. The hunter pounced, fist ready to take a swing at the son of a bitch. Sam quicker held him back.

  
“Wow, wow, wow, Dean. It’s okay, it’s okay!” Dean fought to get away from his brother’s grip but Sam held him tighter. “Why don’t you go sit with Cas over there huh? I’ll take care of this.”

  
He glared at the imposter one last time, hoping maybe he’d turned to ashes under his stare, before walking away. Sam exhaled, shaking his head then faced his brother look-alike.

  
“Who killed Kevin Tran?”

  
This time, the imposter didn’t answer right away. He remembered how long his own brother had blamed himself for the young prophet’s death, the nightmares he used to have about it, the grieving process that never ended and the guilt shadowing his face whenever Kevin’s name were mentioned.

  
“It was Gadreel Sam, not you.” They kept starring at each other without speaking for a while and the comfort emanating from the man looking up at him felt so familiar Sam had to blink away a tear.

  
“Who’s Donatello?”

  
“Prophet. Lost his soul. And Charlie died, Crowley too, never saw that one coming by the way.” He paused, sighing heavily. “Look guys, this could go on forever. I am me okay! We’re clearly having some weird-ass issue here but playing good cop vs. bad cop isn’t gonna get us out of here.”

  
He held Sam’s stare with authority. The Winchester’s chest ached for him. Relying on his story, this man has been a prisoner here, for months. They might actually be he’s only shot at escaping this hell. But they came here to find Kaia. It’s the only thing that mattered for now.

  
“You said Kaia were the reason you got stuck here?”

  
“Yes, my brother, Castiel and I came here to look for her. She has a weapon that can hurt the archangel Michael. It’s quite a long story but I’m sure you guys know what I’m talking about?”

  
Sam nodded.

  
“Did you ever find her?”

  
“No we didn’t. After three days of looking we decided to go back to the rift. By the time we got there it was nothing more than a thin line, we didn’t expect it to fade that quickly. I pushed Sam and Cas through it first…” He paused, shrugging, and Sam already knew the end of it.

  
“It disappeared before you had a chance to get in."

  
“What a son of a bitch right?”

  
Sam could see past his sarcasm and the pain he felt made him look away. Dean and Castiel had gotten closer while he narrated his story. “Is it possible there might be two Kaia out there?” Sam’s interrogation reflected what the others were thinking but Dean, still skeptical, decided to ignore it.

  
“What’s inside this?” He motioned with his foot at the bag next to the imposter.

  
“Oh you know, hunter stuff. Feel free to check it out. Hey Cas, you might wanna come closer in case Rambo here loses his shit when he discovers that I carry the same weapons as him.”

  
That was too much. Dean snapped.

  
“You find this whole thing funny?! Excuse me if I’m not kissing your ass but in case you haven’t noticed we’re in a creepy-ass place and meeting a guy wearing my goddamn face is everything but reassuring!”

  
The imposter stood up, his own anger finally taking over for the first time since he countered the three men. “I’m not asking you to kiss my ass, but there’s no need for you to keep acting like a douchebag.”

  
Dean couldn’t let that one go.

  
“You know what pal—”

  
“No shut up! You got stuck in purgatory. You know how miserable it feels to be far away from home without the slightest hope of ever going back but at least you had him!”

  
His index indicated Cas, throwing the last words like an accusation.

  
“I had no one!” He yelled, the emeralds drowning in a river of tears. “I rotted here for 245 days and with each one that passed I lost what I had left: hope, strength, faith. I had to talk myself out of doing anything stupid more times that I can count because I couldn’t bare the damnation of living without my brother…” the emeralds found Castiel, “without my boyfriend.”


	3. I Can't Imagine a World With You Gone

Dean gasped.

  
The word “boyfriend” hung in the air, heavy, a cold spot shattering the atmosphere. Castiel observed Dean’s profile: rigid, the first time he ever witnessed the hunter paralyzed in shock. Sam wanted to speak. Anything would be better than this awkward silence but the imposter moved before he could manage a word, picking up his bag from the ground.

  
“It was definitely not a pleasure meeting you guys. I’m gonna go now.” Any traces of his mental breakdown already faded when he faced them again, a hint of humor floating in his eyes when he spoke to Castiel. “Don’t get eaten by the monsters in the forest, darling.” He winked at the angel for the second time, a childish attempt to get on Dean’s nerves. But the hunter, still processing the word “boyfriend”, didn’t react.

  
“Wait!” Sam called when he turned away but the three of them kept starring at his back getting further, unable to do anything to stop him. The younger Winchester felt responsible for this man, who might not be family but needed their help nonetheless. Hopeless, Sam turned to Castiel who tried appealing to the hunter’s hero complex of saving people.

  
“Dean we can let him go. It’s not safe out there.” They waited, but the angel’s words did not awaken a single muscle in Dean’s body. Castiel contemplated the option of reaching for his hand, but this is Dean we were talking about, he wouldn’t tolerate this sort of contact, it was something Castiel knew without being told. The angel pressured his shoulder instead.

  
“Dean…”

  
“What do you want me to do Cas, tie him up to my ass? If he wants to go, then let him go!” The hunter snapped out of his trance jolting away from Castiel’s grip. The angel’s brows furrowed the usual mask of confusion replaced by irritation. Ignoring their altercation Sam went after the imposter, his last shot at making him stay was to tell him the truth.

  
“Our rift is still open!”

  
The imposter halted, and in the way his fists tightened Sam knew that if played his cards right, all of them could benefit from this situation. “We haven’t spent 24 hours around here yet. There’s enough time to keep looking for Kaia.” When he finally turned around the hope Sam had expected to see gleaming on his face wasn’t there.

  
“I’ll pass. I spent seven months doing just that.”

  
“This means you know the place well enough to help, and in exchange we take you back with us.”

  
Dean frowned behind Sam but remained silent. One problem at a time, for now all the help they could use in finding Kaia represented a step closer to defeating Michael. Sam waited but the promise echoing in his words had no effect on the imposter’s mistrust. When you’re a Winchester you end up learning the importance of not getting your hopes high too soon. His gaze traveled from Sam, landing on the only person responsible for his hesitation.

  
“Your world isn’t mine. It isn’t my life that I would come back to.” Dean was directly being addressed. He was aware of that and of the fact that whatever he replied would determine the imposter’s decision. So he swallowed back all the counter arguments spinning around his head for the sick of the bigger picture: finding Kaia’s weapon.

  
“It wouldn’t be yours but it would be better than this.”

  
And that’s what mattered.

  
***

  
“There’s a river here.” They all followed the index outlining a sketch on the page they were looking at. The imposter held a notebook scrambled with notes and drawings. Information he collected during his time here. “Three months ago I stumbled across a place at its border that seemed to have been occupied by someone. There wasn’t much but I spotted the emplacement of the fire they did, still warmth when I touched the ashes. That’s the closest I ever came of finding a proof that she could be here.” The sketches represented locations he roamed. Some places were marked with crosses. Sam supposed these were the “bad” parts of the “Bad Place.”

  
“Alright, how do we get there?”

  
“From here I’d say it’s about 30 hours of walk, 25 at best, if we skip sleeping hours.”

  
“It’s still too much, considering the time we already spent here” Castiel argued. “Rowena stressed enough the fact that we should be back to the rift within 72 hours.”

  
“Then we better start hitting the road.” Dean urged, tossing Sam’s bag at him.

  
“Yeah, you might want to rethink this one” the imposter interrupted, lifting his shirt so Dean could see the three nasty looking scratches carved on his hipbones. “I tried traveling around here at night once. Not a good idea.” Without knowing it he just served on a silver plate the excuse Dean’s been looking for to claim his property rights on Castiel. He got closer, invading the imposter’s personal space.

  
“You didn’t have any angel around but I got mine.”

  
The possessiveness in those last words sent Sam’s eyebrows flying over his head. Dean held the imposter’s gaze, challenging him to deny his statement. Castiel had to fight back the urge to shove them with his powers. They were wasting precious time. He exhaled when the imposter finally walked pass Dean, but once he got in front of Castiel he stopped, fingers reaching for his cheek.

“Cas, darling, let’s hit the road.”

  
Sam coughed, Castiel looked at the ground.

  
***

They had adopted a steady rhythm. The imposter preceded all of them, Castiel followed and the Winchesters closed the march. Forty two minutes had passed, during which Dean never stopped complaining about this “new dude” and how freaky his “attitude” was. Sam craved to shut his brother down but the entertainment was worth the pain. An unexpected gap in his brother’s rant gave him the change to place a word. “You know, you could try looking at the silver lining here.” Dean’s eyes rolled.

  
“If you see one, feel free to enlighten me Sammy.”

  
The younger Winchester shrugged, a mischievous smile twitching up his lips. Instead of answering truthfully he decided to slide on a lighter path. “At least the living proof of how good you’d look if you grew a beard exists.” His laughter echoed in the night when he spotted the horror on Dean’s face.

  
A few feet further, Castiel had caught up with the imposter, walking beside him now. He didn’t seem to mind the silence but the angel wanted to make conversation. This new Dean was… intriguing.

  
“I could heal your scar...” he paused leaving an opening for the imposter to pick up the conversation, he didn’t. “Would you let me touch it?”

  
That last sentence got a reaction out of him and the smirk he gave Castiel highlighted the innuendos flying around his mind that would make the angel pop out his fluffy wings. He gestured toward Dean behind them. “I’d rather avoid big guy over there having a stroke if he sees your hand anywhere near my skin.”

  
“Why would Dean…” Castiel began but the imposter anticipated his question.

  
“I know myself.”

  
***

  
The sun had begun rising in the sky bringing with it another kind of light than the one animating the forest at night. The Winchesters had gotten closer to Castiel and his companion. Everyone has been quiet for a while, the lack of sleep catching up to them.

  
“So hum… Dean,” Sam cleared his throat unsure about the smoothest way of attacking the subject. When his brother looked at him he felt the need to precise, “bearded one.”

  
“Yeah?”

  
“Would you mind telling us more about your side of things? Looks like, on your side some elements are… different?” Sam hoped he wouldn’t have to be more specific than that. The idea of having to mention this other Dean’s relationship with his Castiel terrified him. The imposter laughed so hard he had to stop walking for an instant to recover.

  
“Well, one thing’s for sure whatever the Sam, you guys definitely know your way around sensitive subjects.” He said nothing more and they continued walking. Time stretched slowly as the sun made his way up in the sky. When they stumbled across a herd of deer, they had to step aside and let them run away to their destination. Minutes passed and despite the cool morning air the atmosphere still heated with anticipation. Dean was the one to finally break the unbearable silence, his curiosity stronger than his obvious discomfort with the subject.

  
“So? Got nothing juicy to share with us?” And because of the mockery in his voice the imposter decided to satisfy his audience’s expectations. Clinging to the memory of Castiel, the story they shared, the love they felt for each other, helped him not losing it during countless infernal nights when he laid on the ground wishing for sleep to take him so he would get away from the hollow inside his chest. If Dean wanted to keep acting like a douchebag he could join the game, and beat him at it. He inhaled, already feeling proud of himself, and began narrating.

  
“One time, Cas and I fucked on the map table...”

 


	4. The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! ATTENTION!!! There's a part of this chapter near the end that might trigger some of you. When you see the word "Warning" please feel free to skip it and go read the last two paragraphs of the chapter.

Dean collapsed on a chair his feet resting on the map table. The minute they arrived Sam had headed for his room, saying something about washing off the past 72 hours, but Dean wanted to take a break first. He smelled awfully, blood covered half of his face and a spot on his lower back hurt like a son of a bitch. Despite his messy state, at this second he felt content, it was the effect of being back home, of being back to Castiel. As if the angel had heard his thoughts, when Dean opened his eyes, he met his horrified gaze.

  
“Dean, your face!”

  
The hunter smiled, it itched but he couldn’t stop. “It’s just a scratch.” Anger flashed on the angel’s face which Dean decided to not take seriously. “I feel like you missed me. How about you come show me how much?” Castiel peered at him, ignoring the invitation.

  
“I promised I wouldn’t tag along on the cases only because you swore you’d be careful. You’re not being careful Dean!” The angel hissed, already putting his hand on the hunter’s face to heal it but Dean yanked away from his touch.

  
“Come on, don’t be a child!”

  
Dean reached for the angel’s tie and pulled him down to his eye level. The thoughts playing in his head filtered in his gaze and Castiel’s cheeks redden before the hunter even spoke. “Why using your mojo when you could kiss it better?”

  
“I’m still mad at you Dean,” Castiel argued and the hunter laughed at the angel’s cute attempt of trying to lie. Dean grabbed his waist, pushing him on his lap.

  
“Just one little peck uh? You know you want to.” Castiel’s body quivered when he felt Dean’s hand on his ass, their nose touched, lips parted, both panting with anticipation.

  
They kissed, slowly at first, the bitter-sweet memory of being separated aching in their chest. Dean moaned, remembering those lonely nights in crappy motel rooms, when he pleasured himself while Sammy was asleep, trying his best to stay quiet while he wanted go scream the name of his angel until his lungs turned to ashes. They tried doing phone-sex one time. Sammy was out grabbing dinner and by the time he made it back, Dean had already come in his pants, untouched, just by listening to Castiel’s whimpers as he fingered himself. They broke apart, forced to catch their breath. Castiel kissed the crook of Dean’s neck hitting that sweet spot that always made the hunter go wild. He felt the bulge against his crotch and brushed his own against it.

  
“Fuck, darling…” Dean groaned, his head lowering back. Castiel’s hips rocked faster, both their erections so hard it ached, a welcomed kind of pain. “Man, those three days had felt like eternity…”

  
They ignored the noise behind them, a gasp, coming from Sam catching them in the act for the billionth time. Dean’s fingers ran up Castiel’s chest, circled around his neck, before pressuring slightly. Eyes closed, Castiel’s head arched exposing himself more.

  
“Harder,” he commended and so the hunter did, closing his fingers just like he knew Castiel liked it.

  
The harder Dean choked him, the faster the angel moved his hips. It felt so good the blood inside Dean’s veins turned to fire, so good his skin turned red, his teeth digging his bottom lip and his dick screaming to get out of his underwear.

  
“You up for a quick fuck right now?”

  
Castiel’s eyes snapped opened and a second later he was on his feet getting out of the trench coat when Dean stopped him. “Just get your pants down. I wanna fuck you with this on.”

  
***

  
Tiny paws picked up the hazelnut resting on a bed of dead leaves. The squirrel held it to its wriggling nose as if to take in the scent. When silhouettes approached in its direction, the upright tail reacted first, its fluffy hairs straightened, body frozen and eyes widening with terror. It took off seconds before a pair of boots landed on the spot he’d been, crushing the hazelnut it left behind, boots that belonged to the imposter. It has been exactly one minute and 32 seconds after he had finally shut his mouth and no one dared to speak.

  
Sam contemplated acting as if this conversation never happened but how could he ignore the impact of such a detailed narrative. Dean’s face crumbled under several facial expressions of torture. Pursuing life having those images implanted in his mind would be an epic challenge.

  
"We... uh-uhm...” Sam stumbled on the words, clearing his throat, gathering enough courage to stay polite while highlighting the fact that this monologue was beyond inappropriate. “We didn't need that much information.”

  
"Well you asked..." The imposter shrugged and only Castiel witnessed the smile stretching his lips. The angel needed to be enlightened about the complicated matter of members tangled with each other and the localization of certain spots the imposter had mentioned but he remained silent. Dean scoffed and it sounded more like he resisted an urge to throw up.

  
"Yeah, we didn’t ask about this."

  
"Oh please! Did I traumatize you?" This time the imposter didn’t try to hide his amusement. "You basically live on porn magazines and naked women on the internet how's that any different?"

  
"Look pal, if you’re happy being a faggot, congrats! But the disgusting parts, like you putting your dick inside buttholes, these are things you keep to yourself!”

  
"Dean..."

  
Sam could already see the path they were heading on, the intensity of hatred filling his brother’s voice made it clear. For the first time he discovered a side of Dean that horrified him. Castiel saw the imposter’s jaw tightening, all humor and malice gone. He stopped walking and as if they were synchronized, everyone else did. When the imposter’s eyes landed on Dean both men peered at each other, their features tainted with spite.

  
"I’m not exactly happy right now but I’ll sure be after I put a hole inside your brain.”

  
Castiel's hand grabbed his shoulder before he even moved, holding him back. Sam pointed at the imposter warning feeling up his voice. "Hey dude, don't threaten my brother." No matter how homophobic Dean just sounded, no one was killing him, hell no.

  
"So what, he gets to call me names but I can't react? Is that it Sam?"

  
"No I didn't mean…" Sam paused. This had already gone too far, the damages were made. "Look, we're all obviously tired and the lack of sleep is getting on our nerves. I suggest we settle down for a moment, take a snack, and rest our feet, sounds good?”

  
"Yeah, you do that while I go get some air..." The imposter departed from the rest of them, followed by Castiel’s worried eyes and he kept fixing his back as he addressed the hunter behind him.

  
“You know Dean, you used to be a man I admired.”

  
***

!!! WARNING!!!

  
The imposter collapsed against a tree, his lungs laboring to get oxygen inside. Fingers trembling, he reached for his pocket knife. The hollow had return, after a long absence of 34 days. Digging up Castiel's memory provoked an avalanche of emotions he had succeeded locking away. Now that the beast had risen, it needed satisfaction, it needed blood.

  
“Just this once…” he sobbed, already feeling weak and ashamed as he rolled up his sleeve. When tears fell on the scars lining up his forearm he tried finding inside him the courage of not doing this again. He’s been clean for 34 days. Maybe he could go on longer. The back of his head collided with the trunk behind him, once, twice.

  
“C’mon man… Fight this! You can fight this.” But he couldn’t and deep, shattered, sobs escaped from his throat as he watched the knife dipping through his flesh. His vision blurred, tears merging with the blood on his skin, washing away his pain and drowning the hollow with it.

  
Memories of better days displayed in front of him, ghosts he could almost touch if reached up his hand, the Impala refusing to start and Sam rolling his eyes when he would be sweet-talking her. Movie nights, with Castiel’s head resting on his lap, Sam at their feet eating all the goddamn pop corn. The striper-clubs he would go to during hunts, Castiel would suddenly appear, anger flashing in his eyes dragging him out by the ear. And then they would fight but only to make out inside the Impala with more passion than ever, their body still heavily shaken long after their orgasms. Then they would rest, chest to chest, hearing each other’s heartbeat and being just happy.

  
The imposter’s breath finally steadied, and when he searched his bag for the little box, he knew he’d be okay looking at it one more time, and so he did. Comfort rushed through him as he lifted the cover, watching the sunlight shining over the silver ring.


	5. I'd Be So Lost If You Left Me Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was supposed to be a 3k words chapter but I was extremely busy this entire week. I'm sorry.

 

Dean glanced at his brother. Over the past few minutes that they’ve been on the road, he lost count of the number of times Sam had checked his phone, smiling. “Are you watching porn sitting right next to me?” The hunter knew that Sam wasn’t. But teasing his brother would forever be his favorite activity alongside saving people and hunting things. Even now after they’ve put down a vampire nest hours ago, thrill kept running down his spine. Being a hunter was part of a Winchester’s DNA. Dean couldn’t imagine a life without it, even if it would be nice for the world to be secure enough to not need their help anymore. When he looked back at his brother, he caught Sam starring at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Do you only look at your phone just to watch porn?”

“If I’m smiling like that, probably,” his shrug followed a wink. “Look man, I’m not judging.”

Sam rolled his eyes knowing that his brother wouldn’t leave him alone until he gave him a satisfying answer. It started raining, the constant tapping of the rain disturbing the silence. In the night the infinite ribbon of road was deserted and only the Impala’s front lights chased away the darkness. Dean turned the radio on. The third track on AC/DC’s last album, Rock the Blues Away, rang out the speakers when Sam decided to pick up the conversation where they’d left off.

“I’m on a dating app.” An astonished silence followed this confession and Sam felt grateful for the Rain, Dean had to stay concentrated to avoid throwing the car off the road therefore he couldn’t look at Sam and notice the deep blush covering his cheeks. “Can you please not make a big deal out of this?”

Dean laughed, “I haven’t said anything.”

“Yet…” Sam added and regret invaded him when he noticed the smirk appearing on the corner of his brother's mouth. It was Dean. Of course he would make a big deal out of this!

“How many cuties have you got so far? Are they sending you _pictures_? Is that what you’ve been smiling at?” The emphasis he put on the word “pictures” left no doubt in Sam’s mind regarding his brother’s insinuations, the fire on his cheeks burned harder.

“Jesus! It’s not like that. How are we even related you and me?”

“You’ve been adopted Sammy, how many times do I have to tell you?”

Sam glared at him.

“You do realize that I’m way too old to be falling for stupid jokes like that right?”

“A man can dream Sammy…”

“Yeah, dream harder.”

 

They stopped by a 24/7 Diner to grab a bite. Sam tried talking his brother out of commending a meal that might give him a heart attack. He failed, as always. The pink neon lights of the place created an 80’s kind of ambiance, reinforced by the music playing in background, The Bangles. Most of the booths were empty except for an old man sitting by the entry. The woman behind the counter, middle aged with a flashy Dolly Parton haircut, kept glancing toward Dean who was too busy stuffing himself to notice.

“ _Shho harrve you… find your shhoulmate gnyet_?”

Eating was never an excuse for Dean to keep his mouth shut. Sam chuckled. His brother and food shared a special bond. “Well, there’s this girl..." Sam trailed off and seemed to be choosing his words carefully when he spoke again. "We have a lot in common.”

“Is that who you were talking to earlier?”

His brother nodded, cheeks reddening.

“Have you already met?” Dean noticed Sam’s hesitation and the way he avoided looking at him. He tried to think of a reason why Sam might be uncomfortable around the topic. Was the girl an old friend of Jessica? No, that couldn’t be it, something else bothered Sam.

“She has a busy schedule.”

Dean waited for him to elaborate, when he didn’t, he forced him to do so.

“What are you not telling me?”

Sam sighed. Visibly he had hoped to escape from that question.

 “Okay, fine. She’s a hunter too.”

“Wait, what?”

Dean put down his fork, analyzing his brother. What were the chances of a hunter meeting another hunter on some random dating app?

Sam stopped eating too, contemplating his plate for a moment before lifting his head. Better rip the band-aid off right now. Keeping this secret was killing him, anyway. “It’s Maggie.”

“What Maggie? Do I know a Maggie?”

Sam rolled his eyes, exasperated. His brother’s lack of perspicacity was the reason why it took so long for Castiel and him to start dating. Dean’s eyes remained interrogative waiting for an answer that Sam decided not to give him until he figured it out on his own. When realization struck his eyes, his mouth hung wide open, shocked.

“Are we talking about the same Maggie we brought back from the apocalypse world?”

Sam picked up his fork, an excuse to lower his head, hiding the blush spreading on his cheeks. “We’ve been texting for a while…there’s no dating app, I was just trying to avoid bringing up the topic.”

Fondness invaded Dean’s stomach. After such a long time of random one night stands his brother’s interest was finally picked on a girl. Sam was probably taking it slow and had a lot to figure out, Dean could understand why he didn’t want to talk about it.

“Okay then, case closed. But please do me a favor and avoid making babies on the map table.”

Sam scoffed, “Yeah right, we’re not Cas and you.”

Dean reached for his beer, smiling knowingly. “It’ll come.”

Sam jumped on the occasion. He’s been dying for weeks to give Dean a piece of his mind.

“Speaking of Cas…” he started before his brother shut him down a mask of annoyance painted on his face.

“Sam, not this again.”

 “C’mon Dean! You’ve been hiding this ring for months now, it’s getting ridiculous. I mean for all we know Cas might have already figured the whole thing out and you’re just making a fool of yourself.”

“I’m sorry was that supposed to be reassuring?”

“I’m just saying man! With the kind of life we have, we can’t afford the luxury of relying on tomorrows. You just gotta go for it.”

There’s a moment of silence in which Dean seemed to be analyzing his brother’s words. They’ve lost enough people to know better than taking time for granted. Dean had acquired the ring with the intention of proposing on New Year’s Day, they were now in May.

  
“Trust me Sam I know... I’m just.”

“What, waiting for the perfect moment?”

“No. I just need to be sure.”

Another cheesy band followed the bangles on the stereo Dean wondered who the hell picked the goddamn music in this place. The rain had stopped outside and the old man had left while the waitress cleared their table. The dessert didn’t come as fast as she’d promised and it started getting on Dean’s nerves. He needed pie, anything else to focus on would be better than suffering Sam’s calculating eyes.

 “I’m not following.”

Damn it. Now they were going to have that conversation, one he’d been terrified to even have with himself. When dessert finally arrived he didn’t even pay attention to his plate, neither did Sam. They both knew that issue needed to be addressed before Dean chickened out and did something, like breaking up with Castiel. The probabilities of this happening were low but not non-existent. The guilt emanating from Dean’s posture alerted Sam. A thought crossed his mind, so devastating he pushed it away, but it kept rushing back. What if Dean was seeing someone else, a woman, or perhaps… another _man_?

“Don’t get me wrong,” the hunter’s voice startled him, his attention now brought to the present Sam had to fight the urge of asking his brother if he was cheating. “Cas and I it’s endgame I know it. We’re good together.” He paused, searching for his words. “But the thing is… that’s one thing just being us, like the way we are right now, and then another making it official. Marriage is a fucking huge thing Sam. There’s no coming back once you cross that line. The moment we do it, put a brand on us, it’s going to be who I am for the rest of my life. And I’m not that person. I’m not gay or bi... or any other shit like that. I don’t feel like that for other men. It’s _just_ Cas.”

The tears appearing in Dean’s eyes hit Sam with the violence of a hurricane. The hunter buried his face behind his hand, ashamed to have lost composure. He fought back the tears and the urge to let it all out. he couldn’t lose his shit in such a public place, with the waitress probably watching.

Sam put his hand on Dean’s shoulder shuddering under silent sobs. At this moment he knew what Dean needed to hear, and understood the conflict going on in his head. He said the only words he knew were capable of comforting him.

“You’re still straight.”

Sam exhaled. Dean had a problem.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go check Rock the Blues Away on Youtube. It's AWESOME!!!!


	6. You locked yourself in the bathroom, lying on the floor when I break through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last part of this chapter could trigger someone. This time I can't exactly put a warning, because it's the whole last scene. Just stop reading please if it makes you feel bad.

Dean woke up with the pressure of Sam’s hand on his shoulder. As soon as he laid eyes on his brother’s worried face he knew something was wrong. He sat up, his ears suffering from the strident agony resonating all around them. This part of the forest didn’t let in the day light and the obscurity that engulfed them could be hiding any kind of wild animals. Dean reached for his gun as he stood up, sticking by his brother’s side.

  
“What’s that sound?”

  
Castiel had already pulled out the angel blade, next to him the imposter held tight an impressive machete, his tensed shoulders signaling that whatever made that sound, he already dealt with them and they were bad news. “Hyenas,” he replied. “But not the type you’re used to, believe me.”

  
“I don’t see anything.” Dean aimed his gun despite the lack of a specific spot to target. All four of them formed a defensive circle that couldn’t leave room for a surprised attack.

  
“When you see them it’s too late.”

  
None of them got the occasion to ask for an explanation, as soon as the imposter closed his mouth Castiel turned to Dean’s side, his eyes glowing when he spotted the animal. “Dean, get down!” The hunter obeyed, leaving room for the creature to land on Castiel. Its paws pining down the angel, it breathed only inches away from Castiel’s face, canines showing, panting from the anticipation of being so close to its "soon to be" meal.

  
The sharp edge of the angel blade tore apart its flesh in one quick motion, but not even the blood spilling from the opened wound stopped its fangs from reaching for Castiel’s jugular. “Cas, don’t move!” Dean instructed. “I got him.” The hunter aimed but the imposter walked pass him before he could attempt a shoot. In three steps, he lifted his hand and the second after, the hyena’s head hit the ground.

  
“You okay?” Castiel got on his feet, helped by the imposter’s hand.

  
“I could’ve taken him down on my own.”

  
“I’ll take that as a yes.” The imposter’s face lighted up with amusement and because he couldn’t help himself, he winked again at Castiel, a cocky expression taking over his face when he noticed the angel smile.

  
“So… anybody wants to tell me since when do hyenas started to become momentarily invisible?” Sam studied the decapitated body as if it were the result of a failed science project. Its paws kept wriggling so Dean shot its stomach for good measure, the imposter walked pass them not paying attention to it.

  
“This is the Bad Place guys, remember? Don’t give it too much thought, we gotta get going.”

  
Sam followed, leaving his brother behind with the angel. An awkward silence established itself, stretching out as both of them refused to look in the other one’s direction. Dean tried to recall the last time he couldn’t manage a word to Castiel because he feared his reaction. This had never happened before. He’s been a dick to the bearded dude earlier but Cas didn’t have to give him hell for that. They were still friends, weren't they?

“Thanks Cas for saving me back there.”

  
“I’m not the only one you should be thanking Dean.”

  
The angel paused, waiting for any type of sarcasm or denial to come out from the hunter’s mouth. Nothing came and in Dean's eyes Castiel spotted an expression he had trouble putting a label on.

  
“Hey, you over there! Can’t you guys have that moment later?” Dean stepped back, putting a safe distance between Castiel and him, before giving his best unfriendly look at the imposter shouting at them. “You two won’t look that cute anymore with your brains splattered on the ground when more hyenas show up.”

  
***

  
Twelve hours had passed. The sun filtering through the leaves showered their surroundings with a fairy light. They had regained a steady pace, the imposter still walking ahead, though this time, their group stuck closer. Sam Winchester couldn’t put a finger on what changed in his brother’s interaction with Castiel but he became aware of the constant peeks Dean stole toward the angel’s direction. He still felt guilty about the words Dean used during his altercation earlier. Their only hope at finding Kaia relied upon the imposter, they couldn’t risk losing his help and to make sure he was going to stay by their side, Sam decided to make it a mission to show him that they weren’t the bad guys.

  
“Those scars on your hips, did you got attacked by a hyena?” His attempt at making a conversation fell flat when a few seconds passed in a complete silence. Just when he considered repeating himself, the imposter’s head turned slightly behind.

  
“No, that was something else.”

  
“What a wolf or something?” Sam eyebrows rose with surprise when his brother addressed the imposter. Whatever Castiel was lecturing him about must have made its way inside his stubborn mind.

  
“To be honest I never did saw the thing, but when it was over me, I could barely move a muscle. One thing for sure, it was way bigger than the hyena back there.” He paused, recalling the events, cold sweats running down his spine. “This place can be freaky. Don’t get fooled by the nice view.”

  
“Sounds like heaven.” The irony of Castiel’s statement provoked a concert of laughter, the imposter turned to him.

  
“Speaking of heaven, your home’s still that messed up?”

  
“I’m afraid it’s still is. Last time I went up there, Naomi told me there were about 8 angels left.”

  
“Well you guys should…”

  
The imposter's foot slipped and he started rolling down. His body collided with a rock with a cracking noise that left no doubt about the state of the bones it impacted. They ran after him, Sam shouting for the imposter to try and get a hold of something, while Dean pressured his brother to be careful so he wouldn't slip himself. It was a long terrifying descent that led to the edge of a cliff. Castiel ran faster than the others and despite Dean’s voice calling behind him, when he reached the edge where the imposter had rolled off, without hesitation, he jumped.

  
Black feathers replaced the vision of the blue sky. As Castiel flew to him, the imposter’s hand reached toward the angel. And suddenly falling became floating, as time stopped and Castiel’s hand grabbed his forearm, catching his boy just like he gripped Dean tight when he raised him from perdition.

The blazing daylight surrounded the gorgeous black wings deployed on Castiel's back. Seconds became decades when they locked eyes, the emeralds drowning in the depth of the blue ocean.

  
Sam and Dean stood paralyzed in shock. They were seeing Castiel’s wings for the very first time. But as the imposter’s eyes slid from Castiel's to freeze on his feathers, the only thing he could be reminded of was the beginning of his descent through hell.

  
***

  
The straight razor in hand Dean kept fixing his reflection. He was halfway in the process of shaving when he met those eyes in the mirror, haunted, pitiful, mourning the loss of lives he should have protected.

  
But now they were all gone, because he'd been stupid enough to say yes to Michael creating the path to the series of events that lead them all down this hell. If only he hadn't let his guard down, if only he’d be strong enough to keep the archangel confined inside his head. Then they wouldn’t have lost a new family and Sammy… he wouldn’t have lost Maggie.

  
"Damn it..."

  
Dean's broken whisper echoed in the loneliness of the bathroom, just like the ghost whispering in his head: murderer. The only thing he seemed to keep succeeding at was letting people down and when he lowered his head, unable to keep starring at his face, he suddenly became aware of the razor in his hand.

  
He glanced to the bathroom door, if he was really going to do this, he couldn’t risk Sam bursting in at the last minute and praying to Castiel to come save him. Once the lock pulled in, Dean let himself fall on the floor. He contemplated the razor placed above his wrist, his pulse accelerating. Sam’s voice came out of nowhere telling him to “always keep fighting”, he gasped, body shivering with such fierce he had trouble holding the razor still between his fingers. One cut and that would be it. He'd be out of this world, unable to create mess he couldn't fix.

  
He inhaled, holding in the memory of all the cases he and Sam had solved together, the pranks war, the long nights on the backseat of Baby, the rock songs they sang out loud on the road back to the bunker, his face whenever they stopped to grab a bite and Sam commended rabbit food… Tears fell on Dean’s forearm. They burned, poisonous, a combination of guilt and regret. Of all the mistakes Dean had made in his life, being the reason why Sam lost for the second time his chance at finding happiness, was the one he decided not to live with. After all, if Maggie died because he couldn’t keep Michael in, it was only fair that he followed.

  
People claim that being on the verge of dying brings the opportunity of contemplating your whole life. Perhaps it is the reason why, as Dean’s body collapsed on the floor, his five senses got stimulated by the memory of Castiel. The angel had a specific way of saying Dean’s name when he was angry, it varied when he felt concern for the hunter and changed again when they were making love. During sex, Castiel could scream it or chant it. It depended on how fast Dean was hitting from behind or how torturously slow his pelvis moved.

  
The river of blood birthed by the ripped veins kept growing, staining the white tiles, elongating to infinity. And the more abundant it became, Dean's body grew cold by the second as life escaped him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That last scene is a memory from the imposter in case you guys got confused. Leave comments please they make me happy :) I love every single one of you.


	7. I Pull You In To Feel Your Heartbeat

 

Dean didn’t talk when he regained consciousness. He’d woken up a few hours later in his own bed, his brother and his boyfriend by his side. There was a heavy question burning in their eyes but none of them dared to ask it. Instead, Sam got up and proposed to bring him food. However when he got to the door, he turned around, almost as an afterthought to add, “I’m glad you’re okay.” Dean wasn’t _“okay”_ considering he’d just tried to kill himself. What his brother meant but wouldn’t say aloud was _“I’m glad you’re not dead.”_

  
Sam left the room. No one spoke after he closed the door. Castiel sat on the bed at Dean’s legs, whose eyes were glued to the ceiling. The hunter wasn’t going to say anything. Soon enough, Castiel would start a long boring speech about the happiness he believed Dean deserved. He would throw in everything else belonging to that pile of crap he always gave Dean whenever he felt his boyfriend going through a rough time. However, five minutes passed in complete silence. Tired of waiting, Dean decided to urge Castiel into talking.

  
“You might as well get it out of your chest now. How selfish I am.  I didn’t think about Sam, about you.” Dean’s words oozed with sarcasm. “Oh and don’t forget the part where you tell me that I’m amazing and I deserve to live.” He never looked at Castiel during his venomous rant. “Whatever it is, go ahead. I can take it.”

When Castiel stood up, walking toward the door, Dean’s eyes finally detached from the ceiling to follow the Angel’s back. His hand touched the knob without turning it. “You know, at the end, it doesn’t matter how much your brother and I love you, if you refuse to allow us to be there for you.”

  
As the door closed behind Castiel, Dean’s eyes drowned in guilty tears.

  
***

  
Dean tried to get as many cases as possible to avoid staying under the same roof as his boyfriend.

  
Only two weeks had passed since the angel discovered him on the bathroom floor, bathing in his own blood, ever since Castiel couldn’t help but ask himself, what if he had gotten there just a second too late?

  
During the hunting trips, Sam realized he needed to be extra-careful – which meant keeping a close eye on Dean when they were fighting monsters – because he noticed how careless his older brother had become during battles. Deep inside Sam wondered if Dean wasn’t trying to get himself killed by _“accident”._  
Three months went by in a smoke. The topic of what Dean tried to do was never discussed again after Sam’s failed attempt to convince his brother of going to a psy.

  
An endless series of hunts followed one another, they lasted longer and longer with each case. Dean seemed to be picking the worst ones. He and Sam would be gone for days even weeks, during which Castiel would wait in vain for a single prayer from Dean. Usually the hunter would address his boyfriend at night during their hunts to let him know they were okay but now, Castiel had to rely on Sam's phone calls. He never pointed out this sudden change of habit to Dean, he had a better idea.

  
One day, the brothers returned home after an eighteen days long hunt, as Dean was stripping off to go take a shower, Castiel appeared inside the room to inform Dean of his intention to join them on the next hunting trip. Dean braced himself for the dispute he sensed coming. No way he'd allow Cas to tag along during hunts.

“Why?” he asked his voice low with restrained anger.

  
“Because you’re always on the road for weeks Dean!” the angel pleaded. “And when you’re back it never last long.”

  
“So what? It has always been like that.”

  
“I’m coming with you on the next hunt. You won’t talk me out of it.”

The boot, Dean had just taken off hit the wall in a violent thud.

  
“Damn it Cas! Home’s not enough for you to babysit me?”

  
Castiel stepped toward him before stopping when he saw Dean retreat.

  
“I have the right to be worried about you. You’re my best friend and my boyfriend even if you seem to have forgotten that lately”.

  
Dean snarled, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  
“You won’t talk to me anymore. There’s only Sam calling me to let me know that you both are okay when you’re out there hunting. I’m not requiring that you always confide in me but I can’t help you if you won’t let me and I want to help you,” Castiel tried approaching again, continuing softly. “We're together now,” he’d reach Dean’s personal space, his fingers outlining the hunter’s jaw line. “We’re a part of each other. If you’re not well, neither am I. You don’t think it affects me when we can’t even have a descent conversation anymore?” Dean kept fixing a point behind Castiel, refusing to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. “You won’t even look at me, let alone touch me. I just…” Castiel’s lips trembled. “I just miss my boyfriend.”

  
When a few seconds passed without Castiel adding anything else, Dean understood that he was done talking and walked pass him.  
“I’m gonna take a shower,” before he reached the door Castiel that he had leave behind, standing in shock, appeared in front of him.  
“You’re not walking out of this conversation.”

  
“For God’s sake Cas, can’t you just le me breathe for one second?!” Dean screamed and the angel felt it resonate inside every cell of his vessel. “Get a hobby or get a freaking life but leave me alone!” Castiel’s hands collided with his chest when Dean tried walking pass him again, his grip tightened the more Dean fought to get out.

  
“You’re my life now,” Castiel said. Dean pushed him, Castiel staggered but didn’t move out of his way determined to not let him go. Dean stepped forward, shoving Cas again and kept doing it until the angel’s back hit the door. They starred at each other, Dean's face clouded like the weather before a devastating storm. Castiel waited for the thunder to strike, he saw it in Dean’s eyes, ready to burst, furious, destructive.

  
“I need you to let me figure this out on my own,” Dean surprisingly whispered.

  
“You don’t have to do it on your own.”

  
Silence.

  
Dean was tired. Tired of fighting against his boyfriend, against himself, against… everything. His head lowered to rest on his boyfriend’s shoulder, defeated. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be alive anymore.”

  
Castiel’s arms circled him in a tight embrace. A part of the angel felt relieve that Dean finally broke down in his arms. Dean had a bad habit of pushing people away when he needed them the most. Castiel wouldn’t let him do that anymore.

  
“You can let it go,” Cas murmured. “I’m catching you. Always.”

  
***

**_Present Day in “The Bad Place”_ **

 

“Is he okay?” Sam’s worried voice asked standing over the imposter’s unconscious body in Castiel’s arms. The angel wouldn’t let go of him since the moment he rescued him from his deadly fall. His hand touched the imposter's forehead, a white glow shining under his palm.  
The Winchester brothers stood in silence. A few seconds later the imposter groaned and his eyes opened. Sam inhaled, profoundly, relieved. That was definitely way too close. As for Dean Winchester his analytic eyes had never left Castiel.

  
The angel’s body language displayed an intriguing concern. Dean tried to brush away the importunate feeling of bitterness invading his chest. The dude could’ve died and then they would’ve lost their only chance at finding Kaia and the weapon that could help at defeating Michael.

  
The imposter got up with Castiel’s support.

  
Dean had never saw Castiel’s wings until this day. And the context in which he saw them: His best friend trying to save the life of some lame copycat, made him want to vomit or to shoot something, well to shoot someone.

  
Sam checked his watch, he had set a chronometer when they’d decided to follow the imposter’s lead to the river, they’d be lucky to be able to effectuate the round trip within the seventy hours they’d set themselves to. The hyena attack of this morning, followed by the imposter’s fall had consume precious time they might have needed later. “We should get going, if that’s okay with you.” He said to the imposter.

  
“Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks Cas,” He squeezed the angel’s shoulder in gratitude.

  
Dean’s jaw clenched. _Do not fucking touch him!_ His rage needed to be canalize, Dean realized, he couldn’t allow himself to lose his shit. He turned around, eyes closed, trying to figure out what to do. His hands shook wildly, he couldn’t think, he barely manage to breath correctly at this point. The solution came to him almost instinctively: to obliterate the rage he needed to focus on another emotion. He didn’t second guest it when his fist rose to his mouth. His teeth, biting his knuckles, didn’t stop when he felt the stinging epidermis being ripped apart. He welcomed this new pain, his breath steadying, pulse slowing down.

  
Behind him, the others were oblivious. Sam and the imposter had continue walking on Castiel’s suggestion to leave him alone with the hunter.

  
“Dean what’s going on?” he asked. The concern in his voice made Dean’s anger rush back in unbridled waves, he was done restraining. He turned to face Castiel, yelling.

  
“What the hell was that?! First you take a bullet to save that loser, now you throw yourself off a goddamn cliff, are you crazy?” The angel didn’t look impressed by Dean’s outburst.

  
“I can understand that you were mad at me the first time I saved his life when you tried to shoot him, but he’s with us now and –”

  
“And it’s no excuse. You can’t go around risking your life like that.”

  
Castiel replied phlegmatically. “I’m always risking my life Dean.”  
For me. For me or Sam, not anyone else, not ever.

  
Instead Dean reproached, “Your wings showed up.”

  
“That’s a problem because?”

  
_Because I never saw them._  
_Because you never showed them to me Cas!_  
_Me, your fucking best friend!_

  
“Should I have let him die?” Castiel asked again when the hunter didn’t answer.

  
Dean’s fingernails were digging into the fresh wound of his knuckles, it stung, badly, but the pain helped at not losing control. He didn’t trust himself to avoid saying anything he didn’t want Castiel to know. “You’re missing the point of what I’m trying to say.” 

“Then what is it, you are trying to tell me, Dean? I am an angel but I do not read people’s mind. If something is bothering you, say what it is so we can discuss about it. But you do not get to take this tone with me, getting mad for reasons I do not understand and expect me to bend under your wrath.”

  
Dean blinked.

  
_Wow._

  
Fine, the hunter decided. He’d tell Cas what was bothering him even if it would probably make him look like an insecure teenage girl.

  
“Why did Sam and me…” He stopped getting his words right. “You never showed me your wings.” There. It was out. He was that kind of person now, one who needed to be reassured about futile matters.

  
“You've seen them once.”

  
The hunter shook his head, “Pretty sure I’d never forget seeing your wings Cas.”

  
“I wouldn’t lie to you.” Something about the way Castiel said that made Dean’s heart flutter. The sudden urge to run his fingers through the angel’s hair softly, grabbing him by the neck, pulling Cas’s head closer to his, took Dean by surprised. He lowered his gaze, hands fidgeting with his jacket.

  
“Can you make me remember?”

  
When Castiel didn’t answer, Dean’s head jerked up. The angel was still looking at him, this time with concern painted all over his face. “I’m afraid it wasn’t… a pleasant memory.”

  
It didn’t matter, Dean wanted to have it. It belonged to him.

  
Castiel approached. Both his forefinger and middle finger touched Dean’s forehead, digging up the memory buried in his subconscious.

 

  
_||2008||_

  
_Forty years. Somehow, Dean had managed to keep track of the time that had pass since he got ripped apart by the hell hounds, his soul ending up in hell. Forty years and his throat had long dried, his vocal cords forever damaged, and his muscles constantly torn apart by the metal chains pulling away his limbs. These chains kept his body suspended above a lake of fire. The flames, hell-fire with the unique purpose of torturing the damned, reached feet high licking Dean’s back, and though they never overhung his entire body, just the heat has been sufficient to slowly consume his flesh. His skin had lost his natural complexion replaced by a blood-red tint, emitting a particular stinking smell, rotting._

  
_Dean never stopped screaming._

  
_Alastair paid him regular visits with his special toys but every now and then he would also send his pets to Dean and somehow they were even worst. Demons didn’t get many hunters around there so when they finally got that opportunity…_

  
_The only times Dean wasn’t screaming were during the torture sessions he did on the behalf of Alastair. Whenever he couldn’t take it anymore and decided to abandon, Alastair’s pets would tie him back above the pit, leaving him there for another week, until he changed his mind, or sometimes, another year._

  
_It was during one of those years – where Alastair had decided to let him rot because he took a stand against him – that Dean distinguished a new waves of screams different from the ones coming from the pit underneath him. These screams were coming from demons, demons that were being defeated. And there were also noises of metal clattering against each other as if there was a battle. This had been the only moment during which Dean did not scream while he was hanging above the pit. He listened closely and wondered who were fighting against the demons._

  
_Had Sam finally found a way to come to his rescue? How many people did he bring along with him? Numbers mattered. They might – even if he couldn’t imagine how – succeed at hanging him off above the pit but escaping hell... Dean cursed between his teeth. Sam had been an idiot for risking his live that stupidly. Dean didn’t sell his soul for his brother to end up in hell. And besides, all those years that passed, Sammy must have had his own family by now, a wife, maybe even children._

  
_Far above him Dean's eyes caught up with a silhouette that plunged down to him, fast… he didn’t have the time to register any detail about this human-shaped silhouette that seemed to glow with a supernatural light, what caught his attention was the wings. Yes, unless he was hallucinating it was in fact wings that he was looking at, furiously bating the air, a splendid tornado of black feathers. And before Dean realized what was going on, a hand grabbed his forearm, leaving the imprint of a palm. A brand of belonging._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has literally been five months since my last update. I know. But since those five months I finally had time for myself during the last three weeks. (I'm not even joking) I'm in vacation now. Expect another update by tomorrow night. Also I had to re-read my own fanfic twice to put my ideas together. I hope the result is satisfying :)


	8. Can You Hear Me Screaming: "Please Don't Leave Me!"

Dean looked at the angel with a renewed sight. He saw the light in Castiel's pupils, a faint glow, definitely always there even if it wasn’t as bright as when he was using his powers. He saw the different waves in this angelic stare, tempestuous: like when he was fighting to protect those who mattered to him or torn: like after a great defeat or the loss of another innocent in this war against evil.

When they looked at Dean those same eyes conspicuously showed both of these emotion, tempestuous and torn. The hunter couldn’t interpret the conflict he witnessed. A conflict that simply meant that Castiel had to constantly fight against himself to repress troublesome feelings that could jeopardize his friendship with Dean Winchester.   
Castiel's glass was half empty. But he preferred having half of Dean rather then not having him at all. 

Dean’s hand instinctively reached for his forearm where Castiel’s palm imprint used to be. It had disappeared long ago, but he felt the emplacement tickle, probably due to the memory Castiel just revived.

“Why did I lose that memory?” Dean finally asked. Castiel had patiently waited for him to process the overwhelming sensation of having a piece of memory suddenly restored.

“After I came back from hell,” Dean continued. “I remembered pretty much everything that happened. I even had nightmares about it for months. Why did I forget this in particular? Why did I forget seeing you save me?” There was a hint of desperation in his voice that Dean didn’t care about. He wanted answers, and somehow he knew that behind the surface of this simple memory, laid a greater story.

“Let's catch up with the others,” Castiel said. “I'll explain while we walk.” 

***

||Castiel’s tale||

I used to watch over you, when you were a child. The concept of guardian angels doesn’t really exist the way humans think it does, but it happens sometimes that angels get tasked to keep an eye on a specific human child for a short length of time. After Azazel killed your mother, I was the angel tasked to keep an eye on you.

The first time John Winchester talked to you about monsters, you were seven. Even if your brother Sam grew up to be the “nerd” as you like to call him, when you were a kid you read everything you could put your hands on, especially if they were the supernatural kind. 

You’ve never realized it but… you raised Sam. Literally. Even when he was still a baby, your father “traveled” a lot. He’d leave you to take care of your little brother, at some friend’s apartment. They were people your dad would trust his life with, but they knew nothing about babies. You had to figure it all out on your own. How to feed him, what to feed him, how to make him rest. You'd go to the nearest library, to borrow some books about maternity, and often when the librarian would give you a weird look, you’d proudly say: “I have a little brother.” As if it was the greatest accomplishment, as if you were born for this unique purpose, “keep Sammy safe, no matter what.” But you’d also take other books to keep you distracted for when your brother was asleep. Those were the books that sunk you into the world of shadowy creatures.

When your dad would return after days of absence, without ever giving explanation about where he’s been or what kind of job he did, you’d often notice him staying up late at night to go through some old books he’d keep on a travel bag that he always took with him. 

One night, he fell asleep reading one of those books, and you took the opportunity to go through it. You were curious about the kind of work your father did, mostly because he kept such a mystery around it and you had a hunch that those books could help you understand.

Your were so caught up in your reading that you didn’t notice when he woke up. And when you thought he’d be mad at you, instead he joined you on the floor, took the book out of your hands and told you more about the monster illustrated on the page you were looking at. He narrated different lore about it, its abilities, its weaknesses, how to kill it. That day you and your father spent the entire night going over his different books, the only time you’d stop was too feed or change your little brother when he’d woke up crying. It was already dawn when your dad finally pushed the books away, telling you it was enough information to digest at once. 

You never asked if those monsters were real. You didn’t have to. Your dad has never been the type to stay overnight to narrate fantasy tales.

***

While Castiel spoke, Dean could see the images in his head. It was the best memory he had of his father. The two of them inside the comfort zone of their own bubble, exploring a world only few people knew about, the mysteries hidden in the shadows, the atrocities committed by creatures of the night and while other children would’ve peed their pants, he only felt the wild excitation of being introduced to a world were he could be a hero.

Before he went to bed, Dean had one last question. One he had guess the answer during the night but needed to be said out loud nonetheless. 

“Is it one of them that took mom?”

John Winchester’s eyes at that moment, were covered by a veil as dark as the hollow inside his chest caused by the absence of his wife. And despite being too young to really know what the thirst for revenge felt like, the emotion Dean deciphered from his dad’s expression told him clearly that he would die trying to avenge Mary Winchester’s death.

“If I don’t survive this,” he told Dean and without having to precise what “this” meant, Dean knew. “Everything you see around here, those books” he gestured to the books still lying on the floor, “and those weapons,” he patted the bag propped against the couch, half open, he went to his car earlier to take it. Dean had been amazed to discover them, his fingers running slightly over the fabric of the ones John let him hold, as if they were as precious as crystalized egg. “All of this, is yours and your brother’s legacy.” John continued solemnly. “Eventually there will come a time where I won’t be around anymore. You and Sam will have to continue even after I’m gone. The world out there is poisoned by those creatures and people like us, with what we know can make it a better place. Do you understand?” 

Dean had nodded. When his dad stood up, Dean thought he would’ve started putting everything back to place. Instead, his dad did something he hasn’t done in a while, kiss him goodnight. And while he kept Dean in a tight embrace, he whispered in his son’s ear something that would stick as his motto his entire life: “Saving people, hunting things, the family business.” 

***

I was dismissed as soon as you turned eight . We, angels, aren’t supposed to invade the privacy of humans we aren’t assigned to anymore. Nonetheless, sometimes when I had the chance to, I would go back to check on you, see how you were doing. I briefly saw you became a teenage boy, then a man and during all this time you never stepped one foot away from your father’s legacy. “Saving people, hunting things, the family business.”

Then you went to hell. And I was blown away that the Supervisors let it happen.   
The Supervisors are a group of higher ranked angels, though not archangels, that regulate the souls allowed of access to Heaven. Of course we don’t call them Supervisors up there. They have an Enochian name. You wouldn’t be able to pronounce it.

Given their position, I went to them to present your case. They rejected it, saying that the moment you made that deal, your soul wasn’t their responsibility anymore. I couldn’t understand how they’d let someone as important as you, rot in hell for eternity. The world needed you. But despite my conviction and the solid arguments I threw in their face – they could review your entire human life, see what you’ve done in the past, for the world, for humanity! – they wouldn’t listen.

I ended up realizing that the only way they’d agree to my request was if it could be proven that they would eventually benefit from your getting out of hell. 

The only one in heaven who could help me, was the archangel Abacus. He wasn’t easy to talk to. Being one of the God-gifted archangels, Abacus has abilities that us, regular angels don’t have. Abacus’s special power is that he can see the future of Heaven. Kind of like all those books Billy has about you except that Abacus has the equivalent for every angels inside his head and he cannot share this information. Abacus is the only one of us who doesn’t speak Enochian. He doesn’t speak anything.

He has an entire headquarter for himself in Heaven. To be able to talk to him, one had to remain standing in front of the doors until they finally opened. This could take an indefinite amount of time. But I was patient. I waited. To be honest I didn’t expect that he would receive me. I was baffled when he did. He resembled a ten year old boy, with fair hair, and entirely white pupils. He wore a robe. None of us wear robes. 

We walked together amongst the empty alleys of his headquarter, him in silence, me explaining the reason of my presence there.

I simply told him the truth. Leaving your soul in hell was a mistake. Even if your work as a hunter represented little, it was indispensable. The world needed you and eventually, so would Heaven. I had seen the very worst in humankind but I’d also seen the good and the outstanding. You, Dean Winchester was outstanding. You didn’t belong to hell.

Asking for Abacus’s help was a long shot. I had no certainty that he’d accept. Once I was done talking, he showed me out. 

While I waited for the Supervisors to go back on their decision, you were down rotting in hell. A lot of time had passed, for you at least. I admired you for resisting so long to Alastair but I knew it was only a matter of time before he broke you, submitting you to his demonic will.   
I was losing hope.

Then one day the Supervisors called me up. Abacus was there. I don’t know how he communicated with them. They had decided that “in the light of new information acquired regarding Dean Winchester’s soon to be involvement in Heaven matters, his rescue from hell has been authorized.” I was therefore granted the authorization of doing so.

However they were intransigent of the fact that I would not dispose of any army to accompany me. I had expected such decision, the Supervisors didn’t like it that I went to Abacus. My action was considered an act of rebellion destined to overrule their authority. I knew they’d cease the first opportunity they got to punish me. And without knowing it, I would give it to them when I gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.

I left and imprint on you and that’s when things got complicated. 

You see, any angel brand on human is fatal. It’s a form of binding that connected your soul and my angel grace. And it was a problem because if my imprint had continue to grow on you, you would have eventually manifested certain abilities. Nephilim abilities. You wouldn’t have been as powerful as one, maybe just half or even less, but that was enough to worry the Supervisors. 

They decided to “fix” it. 

The Supervisors summoned Balthazar up. With his particular gift of being able to play with time they tasked him to reverse my rescuing you from hell. They’d allow me to rescue you a second time but before they would take away a large amount of my grace so that even if I did leave a mark on you by rescuing you again it would fade over time and wouldn’t engender any Nephilim-related consequences.

As for me, even if my grace would slowly regenerate over time, I’d never be the same angel I used to be. My powers, they would forever be affected. I would never be able to use them to their fullest. 

You know me now, but if you knew me back then, before I let them take away my grace, I think it would have never occurred to you to call me a “Baby in a trench coat

We executed the plan. I was weaker but they still denied me to bring any ally. I raised you from perdition a second time. And I think it’s the reason why it didn’t leave a mark in your memory, because it wasn’t the first time it happened. You couldn’t remember both times, so your brain just decided to block them out.

***

Long after Castiel had finished talking, a thick silence fell between him and the hunter. They had catch up with the others, a few feet ahead of them, Sam and bearded Dean walked side by side. They seemed to be talking, Dean was watching them absently, his mind still buried in the tumultuous depth of all Castiel had sacrificed for him while they weren’t even friends yet!

Dean stopped walking. As if synchronized, Castiel mirrored his gesture and they stood face to face. From this moment, with all the bewildered emotions displaying on the hunter's face, Castiel had expected anything coming from him but never would’ve imagined what Dean Winchester said instead.

“I know I’m hard to handle sometimes but, please Cas,” he gulped. “Never leave me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I soooooo can't wait for your reactions on this one!


	9. Hold On, I Still Want You

 

  
“So, uh-hum” Sam cleared his throat, uncomfortable. The last time he’d tried browsing the topic of how life was on the side of this “other” Dean, things didn't go as planned to say the least. He didn’t want that to happen again, but he was curious. Curious about the kind of life that the “other” Sam Winchester lived. Was that other Sam Winchester a hundred percent similar to him, or were there any slight differences like for Dean and this “other” Dean?

Sam wanted to know, he craved to know. In all their hunter's existence they’ve never dealt with such a situation before. It reminded Sam of this episode of Rick and Morty that Dean had forced him to watch one night he’d win the fight over who gets the remote control. During that episode, Rick and Morty as always during their crazy adventure across the galaxy, stumbled upon a planet where all the habitants were other Ricks and Mortys.

Sam remembered he had felt very weird at the end of the episode when Dean had joked, “Hey Sammy do you think Chuck made another planet full of duplicated version of ourselves running around?”

Sam had chuckled to brush his nervousness away, the same thought had occurred to him. “I don’t think so. There wouldn’t be anything to hunt. And that’s what we’re best at, hunting.”

Dean had shrugged, “Yeah well, I don’t know. Chuck sure as hell seems like the kind of guy who would’ve pulled off shits like that just because he was bored or something."

Sam had passed his brother another beer to get him to shut up, not wanting to think about all the blasphemes Dean had succeeded to put in only one sentence.  
“Got anything in your mind Sammy?”

Sam blinked dragged back to the present from his momentary zone out. Bearded Dean had talked to him.

“I was thinking about your brother.” Sam stopped, what was the best way to formulate this?

“What about him?”

“Well… I wanted to know, how is he?

When he didn’t get any answers after a while Sammy tried to reformulate.

“I mean…"

“I know what you mean,” bearded Dean cut him off. “Its just, you know, some kind of bad things happened and I don’t want to trigger you by talking about them if the same had happened to you. See where I’m coming from?”

Sam lowered his head to hide his smile, whatever the Dean they’d always look out for him. The same way Sam couldn’t help but think whatever the Rick he’d always be an ass to his grandson. Gosh, he really hated that episode.

“Okay. What about you tell me something kind of funny about him? Like an anecdote. Something you’re basically sure that I didn’t do?”

With the spontaneous smile that stretched bearded Dean’s mouth, Sam automatically knew he’d reached the jackpot.

“Well, you see the whole me and Cas dating thing?” Sam nodded, urgently waiting for the next part but an overdramatic silence followed.

“C'mon dude, really? Can’t you be a little less like my pain in the ass brother?”  
A bright grinned answered his complaint. “And what would be the fun in that Sammy?”

Sam rolled his eyes. He really hoped that both Deans would drop this ridiculous nickname. He was thirty six for crying out loud!

“You made it happen.”

Sam halted. What were they talking about again?

In front of Sam's confusion bearded Dean elaborated. “Me, Cas, us being together. You made it happen.” He instantly regretted not having a phone on him to record Sam’s reaction.

“How did I..” Sam began before stopping himself, incredulous. Then a hint of suspicion crossed his face. “Please, tell me you aren't making this up?”

“Nope. Being dead serious here.”

They continued walking, Sam didn’t seem to believe his own ears and bearded Dean was enjoying himself. Still stunned, the younger Winchester asked, “How did I do that?” That earned him a mischievous smile.

“Are you looking for tips to help your own brother out?”

Sam chuckled. By instinct, he glanced behind to see his brother and Cas walking at a ridiculous distance from each other. He returned to his interlocutor.

“Sure. I mean, why not? We both know I’ll turn into Rapunzel before he finally makes a move.”

The imposter laughed so hard that Sam worried for his lungs and the amount of oxygen they weren’t getting.

“Well buckle up Sammy! You’re in for a loooong ride…”

***

It had all started one random day that Sam Winchester was doing his workout session in this room of the bunker they had arranged for that purpose. Castiel's face suddenly appeared over Sam’s head, he was lifting weights.

“Jesus, Cas! Dean’s right, you should stop scaring the crap out of us like that.”

The angel, with the most downcast expression Sam had ever seen him, had replied: “I think I’m trapped in the friend zone.”

Sam had starred at him, blinking. Once. Twice.

_What the heck is he talking about?_

He didn’t get the chance to ask though because the angel had came with the intention of spilling his guts. Sam continued lifting his weights while Castiel sat on the floor, shoulders dropping as if he just got defeated during some great battle.

_Something must be really wrong._

“I investigated on the internet lately--” Castiel frowned at Sam when he burst out laughing. The young Winchester caught the death stare his best friend was throwing at him and recovered a serious face.

“I'm sorry. Go ahead please.”

“I had some questions about what happens when a person is in a friendship and start developing sentiments that trespass the limits of said friendship. The person therefore becomes reluctant to acknowledge those feelings but at the same time would like to know if the other party might also be experiencing a similar dilemma.”

Sam screamed internally.

_Cas has feelings for Dean, I knew it!_

“And what did the internet told you?” Sam asked in a calm he was far from feeling.  
“Well there were some suggestions that I should “rip off the ban aid” and tell the other person the way I feel. But others said if after ten years of friendship the other person had never hinted that they have feelings for me then I’m probably stuck in the friend zone.”

Castiel said those last two words as if they were a death sentence and maybe from a certain perspective being friendzoned by Dean Winchester felt like dying over and over again. “I’m talking about your brother,” Castiel added as if he had just realized the clues he gave Sam in his speech.

Sam put the weights back in place and sat in front of the angel.

“Look Castiel, I can’t guarantee you a hundred percent that I know what’s going on in my brother’s head but if there’s one thing that I know for sure, the way he looks at you… I’ll be damned if those stares mean nothing.”

The relief Sam spotted in Castiel's eyes at his declaration made his own heart shatter. He spent the last decade witnessing his brother and his best friend suffer from their repressed feeling, he was done being a mere spectator. If they wouldn’t help themselves he would push them into doing it.

“Listen Cas,” Sam put a comforting hand on the angel's shoulder. “I think you should tell my brother how you feel, I have a few ideas on how to make this work.”

***

  
In the rare days that they weren’t hunting Dean had a perfect schedule and Tuesday nights were exclusively for crime TV Shows.

That night Sam had chosen on purpose Sherlock Holmes then pretexted that they were running out of beers to go out in order to give Castiel some space to execute the plan Sam had build and guaranteed the success of.

Half an hour later Castiel was still fidgeting, desperately trying to find a way to start the conversation when Dean gave him the perfect opening.

“That Sherlock,” he said, “what a bastard. I mean, I get the whole faking his own death thing but leaving his buddy on the unknown. This is just brutal. You don’t do stuff like that. And for a whole freaking year, Jesus!”

Castiel struggled to steady his breath. He could do this. He could do this!  
“It was cruel indeed. And Watson's feelings for him made it harder to handle his disappearance.”

Dean’s whole body faced Castiel. “Feelings? What feelings?”  
Castiel threw out the arguments Sam had repeated over and over again when they were reviewing the plan together. “Anybody who has eyes can literally see it, Dean. A blind man would see it.”

Dean laughed, but it felt forced to Castiel's hear.

“Doesn’t matter what people see. Words matter.”

“Maybe Watson never said it at loud because he knows what kind of person Sherlock is, deeply obsessed with his work. He would never leave room for anything else to enter his life.”

“Well you seem to have given this a lot of thought,” Dean mocked. “You an expert in human feelings now?”

Castiel's smile was sad when he answered. “It’s easy to notice those things when you can relate to them.”

***

“And what did he reply to that?” Sam had asked later that night, eyes burning in anticipation.

“That you were late for the beers. He didn’t say another word during the rest of the episode. As soon as it was over, he retreated to his bedroom.”

Sam ran furious fingers through his hair.

“I didn’t want to do this to him, but I think it’s time for the tornado plan.”

Castiel looked confused. “We had another plan?”

***

The tornado plan consisted in making Dean believe that Castiel was seeing other people, to be exact, other men. Sam had an inkling that if they just pretended that the angel was hooking up with women, he wouldn’t be as affected by the news as if Castiel’s interest were to be drawn toward his gender.

One week after the “Sherlock disaster”, Dean was taking coffee in the kitchen when he addressed Sam reading the newspaper. “Is it me or Cas is never at home these days?”

Sam had played this scene inside his head so many times that he appeared to be perfectly nonchalant when he replied: “He’s kind of staying at his boyfriend’s place for a moment.”

Forty three. Sam had counted the seconds before Dean recovered from the shock. “His boyfriend’s place?”

Sam reached for his own coffee cup on the table, drank a sip, savored it, sighed with pure content, and returned to his newspaper. “You seem surprised. Didn’t Cas told you the other day?” Dean's coffee cup almost broke when he slammed it on the table.

“No. No Sam he didn’t tell me. What the heck is going on around here?”

“It's going on that Castiel, who by the way is a grown up adult, met another grown up adult and together they’re having a consenting relationship.”

“Caass??” Dean's eyes hovered around. Sam hid his smirk behind the journal. “Cas get your ass back here, right now! You hear me?” When Sam chuckled he shot him a furious glare.

“I can’t believe you just let him go with a complete stranger!”

“And what was I supposed to do, ground him, tie him up, give him a curfew maybe? We’re not his parents Dean, if he wants to date then he dates.”

“Yeah but this could be a trap, he could be in mortal danger!”

Sam decided to play dumb. “Because he’s dating another guy?”

Castiel’s sudden apparition in the room saved him from having to support the flow of insults his brother was ready to drown him in.

“What the heck is this story about you and another guy?” Dean attacked right away. “Do you even know him? You do realize you could be in danger right?”

Castiel’s eyes went to Sam for help but the younger Winchester was once again absorbed in the articles of his newspaper.

“Are going to stand here and ignore me?” Dean barked.

“I’m not ignoring you.”

“Then you mind explaining what the hell are you doing?”

“Do you want to grab a beer with me?”

Sam's head peaked out behind the newspaper.

“Nice try, but I won’t let you change subject,” Dean warned.

“I'm not changing the subject, I’m asking you out.”

“Sorry, what?”

The newspaper Sam had in hands fell, abandoned on the floor, his eyes instantly following the scene. Cas had took a few steps closer to Dean, invading his personal space.

“I’m the Watson of our friendship Dean. You said words mattered. So here I am, asking you out on a date. Me, you, beer, Friday night. You pick the place.”

For the seconds it took Dean to register Castiel’s declaration, Sam Winchester’s blood pressure had reached alarming proportion.

“You’re dating another guy.” Dean argued.

Castiel rolled his eyes.

“This guy doesn’t exist, it was your brother's idea.”

When Dean’s head jerked to his direction, Sam raised his hands in peace.

“Was just trying to help.”

“You're a dead man,” Dean growled before turning to Castiel. “You, come here.”

Dean dragged him by his tie.

Sam left the kitchen, neither of them noticed. They were too busy kissing.

***

  
By end of bearded Dean's narrative, a goofy smile illuminated Sam's traits.

“This guy's a hero,” he bragged, obviously referencing to the other Sam.

Bearded Dean's voice softened when he answered. “You have to understand that your brother is not afraid of dating Cas because of what it might imply for his sexuality.” Sam looked appalled but didn’t interrupt him. “His biggest fear is that he’ll probably fuck it up. The most beautiful thing that would ever happen to him, he will eventually find a way to fuck it up and then he’ll hate himself for it, for breaking Cas's heart. But what he doesn’t know is that Cas doesn’t give a shit how bad he will fuck up. Cas still wants him.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo How did you guys liked the "tornado" plan??? 😉


	10. Come Back, I Still Need You

  
It was a little past noon when they progressed enough to reach the quarter of their destination. They had arrived to a breathtaking wooded meadow. The zenith sun shining upon the grass created a ferric sight. The air smelled like spring and flowers. Dean decided they that it was time to reboost their energy.

"Alright everyone," he called out to the two others still walking ahead. "Snacks break !"

They all gathered in a small circle on the grass, under the the shade of a few oaks. The Winchesters opened their backpack. Sam passed a bag of chips to Bearded Dean. "You guys actually brought real snacks?"

"Because you didn't when you came?" Dean's question received a negative nod for an answer and his expression turned hilariously offended. "Dude, what were you thinking?"

"We thought finding Kaia would only be a matter of hours." A sarcastic laugh, then: "Look how that turned out."

"Yeah, well, lucky for you we didn't do the same mistake." Despite the one Sam had already passed to his look-alike, Dean threw a second bag of snack at him. Sam's eyebrows lifted in surprise. That was clearly a peace offering and judging by the look on Bearded Dean's face, he seemed to have got that.

"Thanks." He opened it and turned to Castiel who sat nearby. "Share with me."

The angel frowned. "I don't--" Bearded Dean shook the opened bag under his nose. "C'mon it's gonna be too weird if you just sit there and watch us eat." The angel capitulated.

When Castiel's hand disappeared inside the snack bag, the satisfaction on Bearded Dean's face was dedicated to "Regular Dean."

Sam decided to intervene before all the veins in his brother's neck erupted.

"How about we play a game?" Three pair of eyes converged to him. "We can use this break time to chase away the stress of worrying about finding Kaia and Michael being on the loose."

"What do you suggest?" Bearded Dean asked, mouth full of chips.

Sam had to think about it for a second. He hadn't really thought this through. He had only say the first thing that came to his mind, to prevent another war between the two Deans. They were harder to handle than a whole classroom of resentful children.

"Clock's ticking Sammy," his brother said, eyes sending flames toward Bearded Dean who had dared brush away dust of chips in the corner of Castiel's lips.

That's it. Dean was not having it. He would not sit there and tolerate this inappropriate behav--

"Let's do truth or Dare!" Sam's cheerful voice interrupted Dean going Rambo all of a sudden.

His proposition received mocking laughter from both Deans. His brother spoke first. "What are we, high school girls eager to discover who lost their virginity during summer camp?"

"I think our grown asses deserve better than that." Bearded Dean added.

For once, both Deans seemed to agreed and they felt equally awkward about it, refusing to meet each other's gaze.

At the very last second, the chips he was about to put in his mouth, Bearded Dean's hand decided to feed it to Castiel. Sam clapped his hands.

"Alright then! Never Have I Ever."

"Much better," bearded Dean stated.

"We don't have any booze." Dean countered.

"We can always eat the grass."

A cocky smile followed Bearded Dean's suggestion.

To his brother's despair, Sam approved.

"Brilliant!"

Dean didn't bother arguing. He could turn this at his advantage.

Castiel already knew the rules of never have I ever. One night the brothers had made him play with them. Of course they both ended up drunk as hell while Cas had remained perfectly sober despite their attempts at tricking the questions in order to get him to drink the most.

" I'll start." Dean was shooting death glare at the angel. "We'll see if grass also tastes like molecules to you Cas. Never Have I ever, been an angel of the Lord."

The angel rolled his eyes. "How childish," he huffed, before taking a handful of grass and eating it.

Dean looked satisfied until bearded Dean leaned in to whisper something in his ear that made the angel laugh.

"Never Have I Ever, called my brother Sammy."

Bearded Dean laughed at Sam's revenge on them for the nickname. "Making us eat grass won't change anything. Sammy." He then took a portion of grass equals to what Castiel ate earlier and provoked Sam's hilarity by making quite a show of masticating it . "What's going on princess?" he teased regular Dean. "You can survive hell and purgatory but a little bit of grass makes you wanna puke?"

Dean ate two handfuls of grass.

"I have one."

It was Castiel. Bearded Dean was the only one who didn't look surprised. Usually, the angel was a passive participant. Not this time however, "Never have I ever, been a dick to my bestfriend."

Sam chocked on his snacks.

Dean succeded at maintaining an apparent indifference. "What are you implying?"

Castiel shrugged. "I am simply joining the game." He held the hunter's stare as if to dare him to not eat the grass. He did, reluctantly. Bearded Dean followed and Sam also, for good measure.

War had just been offically declared.

Dean attacked, looking straight at Castiel.

"Never have I have ever, took stupid decisions despite my bestfriend advising me not to."

Unfazed, Castiel argued. " I need to be enlightened on your definition of the word "stupid".

"As if you don't know it already."

"In that case you're just as guilty as I am."

Dean's voice was low from anger. "Just eat the goddamn grass."

Sam intervened. "Guys, guys. This is just a game, remember?"

They ignored him.

"Never have I ever, been a dick to my bestfriend by trying to give a gift back."

Bearded Dean was now stuffing himself with the second bag of chips.

"Never have I ever, hurt my bestfriend's feelings." Castiel shot back.

"It's not fun, unless you guys eat the grass..." Sam whinned.

"Hurt your feelings?" Dean scoffed. "Oh, this is rich coming from you, considering that it's exactly what you did by trying to give the gift back!"

Castiel continued.

"Never have I ever, didn't apologized to my bestfriend even after I realized being one hundred percent wrong."

Dean was skeptical.

"What?"

"Never have I ever kept treating him like crap and expected him to be always there anyways."

Taken aback, Dean stuttered.

"Cas-- I just-- I--"

The angel stood up.

"Never have I ever made my bestfriend cry?"

Silence.

"Never have I ever made my best friend cry everytime he's trying to be good enough. Never have I ever, kept yelling at him, insulting him. Never have I ever, kept treating him like the biggest idiot, like a useless burden who's simple existence is a total waste, despite him TRYING his best."

Silence.

Thunder raged inside the ocean eyes.

"Are you gonna eat the bloody grass Dean?"

"Cas--"

"ARE YOU?!!!"

The atmosphere shattered with Castiel's scream.

They could only watched as the angel walked away. No one didn't even dared to breath after his departure.

A crunchy noise troubled the cold atmosphere: Bearded Dean, savoring his chips.

"That was definitely the most intense "Never Have I Ever" game I had in a while. And I didn't even end up drunk and naked."

Snapping out of his daze, Dean sprinted after Castiel.

His brother being far enough, Sam high fived Bearded Dean

"We did a great job."

"Indeed, Sammy." He winked. "This turned out way better than my brother's tornado plan."

***

Dean caught up with the angel in no time. He hadn't figured out what he would be saying yet. All he knew was that he couldn't let Cas walk away. Not like this.

"Cas, wait!"

The angel heard, but did not stop.

"Cas!"

When Dean got close enough to grab his arm, he forced the angel to face him.

"What is it Dean? What do you want?"

"I just--" Dean stopped, appalled by the violence vibrating in Castiel's words. "I've never noticed you held so much grudges against me."

He stepped back, uncertain, added in a little voice: "I thought we were fine, earlier, after--" He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence.

Dean was looking at his boots now, hands fidgetting with his jacket. Castiel felt a rush of guilt clawing his chest but Castiel was tired of repressing his own emtions to spare Dean's. "I need some air."

But before Castiel even moved Dean grabbed his arm again.

"No. You have something to say. Go ahead and say it."

Castiel hesitated.

"Go ahead. I can take it." Dean's jaw clenched. "I deserve it."

It needed out. They both knew it. If Castiel didn't speak his mind now, later it could eat away their friendship. The angel inhaled, closing his eyes as if he was trying to hold his anger in. When he re-opened them, Dean knew he would not be spared.

"You told me to never leave you earlier and believe me it has never crossed my mind. Not for a second. I'll be by your side as long as you'll have me. But once in a while it'd be nice of you to stop taking me for granted."

This time Dean almost let the angel go. But the hunter couldn't. Not again. Not after Cas pouring his emotions out like that. Not after realizing how much he made his bestfriend suffer. Not after, he finally acknowledged that he didn't consider Castiel as just his "bestfriend."

So he ran after this man he's learned to know for a decade. This man who rescued him from hell. This man who sacrificed the angel he used to be while he didn't even know him yet. This man who defied Heaven to stand by his side. This man who left his home to join his battle against the darkness. This man who saved his life more times that he could ever count. This man he's learned to trust. This man he's learned to--

The first thing Dean thought when he felt the ground shaking under his feet was "earthquake."

In a heartbeat, Castiel turned around.

Dean didn't understand at first why the ocean eyes were filled with terror. How could he? He was unaware of what was coming for him.

But Castiel saw all of it. The crack parting the ground in half behind the hunter, an unstoppable zigzag. The angel opened his mouth in synchronization with the earth opening to swallow Dean in.

As the hunter fell in oblivion the only word that came out of his mouth was the one he would always think of whenever he heard the words "home" and "happiness".

"CAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!!!!!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The man he's learned to-- WHAT? to what? 🌚


	11. Let Me Take Your Hand, I'll Make It Right

 

  
"Dean???"

When Sam Winchester opened his eyes, his first reflex was to look for his brother. Disoriented, he stood up - his body ached in different places - his eyes searched through the dark.

"Dean?"

What happened? It was so dark in here that he could barely make out his environment.

"Deaaan???"

He only took one step forward before the diziness caught him offguard. He stood still until the ground underneath him stopped spinning and his blurried vision finally became clear enough for him to discover his surroundings.

A cave. He was inside a cave.

The earthquake earlier had probably landed him there. Good thing there was actually a cave below, or else--

Wait a second.

What was that on the ceiling?  
In the darkness, they were outstanding by their faint shapphire blue glow. Symbols. Enochian symbols, Sam realized.

What the hell? Why would there be Enochian symbols hiding inside a cave of The Bad Place?

Sam's feet moved without his paying attention, he was totally focused on the progression of the symbols. They formed a straight line that diverged at the end towards many darker pathways of the cave.

Sam didn't know their signification. But their presence here awakened his hunter's instincts.

"Argh!" Sam's head spinned to the left. "Son of a bitch, that hurt." That was his brother's voice.

"Dean?!"

"Over here, behind this jerky ass pile of rocks!"

Sam hurried to the direction the voice had came from. He stumbled on his way as a sudden wave of vertigo hit him. He noted to himself to check his head for any sign of injuries once he made sure Dean was okay.

Sam found him. But it was not his brother lying on the ground that he found. Bearded Dean. Right of course. He wasn't with Dean when the earthquake occured. His brother had chased after Castiel and he was probably with the angel now.  
   
"Are you okay?" Sam crouched next to him. "Where does it hurt? Let me take a look." 

Bearded Dean straightened a little to lean againt the bedrock. He pushed aside the layers of flannels to lift his shirt up. He didn't look, bracing himself against the pain. Sam's silence alerted him.

"How bad is it?"

Even if he had a first aid kit Sam wouldn't have been sure how much damage he could've covered. But their bags got burried somewhere during the fall and now he was facing Bearded Dean whose abdomen wound was bleeding so much it stained the ground.

"You're not..." he gasped, "answering Sammy."

Sam took off his jacket, then one of his of flannels.  "I'm gonna try to stop the bleeding as much as I can." 

He wasn't sure if he could. They needed Cas. Right now. Or they would be fucked.

"Sammy?!"

Dean!!! It was Dean who just called his name. Sam almost cried from relief.

"Sammyyy??!!" His brother's voice was coming from a pathway behind them.

"We're here!" He shout back. "We're here!"

He kept shouting to lead his brother to their position while maintaining pressure on Bearded Dean's wound, who seemed to have fallen asleep.

"Hey, hey, hey." Sam patted his jaw, awaking him. "Don't fall asleep, you have to stay with me."

Bearded Dean grunted. His eyes opened but they couldn't remain so. Sam noticed how heavy his breath had gotten.

"Sam!" Suddenly his brother was there, followed by Castiel. Sam pressed Bearded Dean's hand. "You're gonna be okay now."

As they arrived next to Sam and Bearded Dean, the younger Winchester noticed his brother limping slightly.

"You're alright?" Dean asked.  
"I'm fine but he isn't." Sam noded toward his hands holding on to a cloth soaked with blood. "He's bleeding out." His gaze found Castiel. "Hurry Cas, come closer."

The angel didn't move. Neither did Dean. The expressions on their faces hinted that even a worse thing than falling inside this cave had happened.

" What is it?" Sam urged. What's going on?"

At last, Castiel spoke. "My angelic powers, Sam..." He sighed, there was no better ways of saying it. "They're gone."

Sam blinked. To Castiel. To Dean. To Bearded Dean almost passing out again on the ground. Then back at Castiel.

"What do you mean they're gone?" He turned to Dean. "What does he--" To Castiel. "You can fix this. You can fix this right?" He stuttered, choking on his own words. "You're going to fix this Cas," Sam pleaded. "He's dying."

Sam's desperation matched Castiel's.   
The angel gestured towards the Enochian symbols carved on the ceiling.

"All of this place, for some reason, is warded against my angelic powers. As long as we're down here whatever power I have is ineffective."

Sam had trouble sinking down the information. He looked down to Bearded Dean whose face was still contorted in a mask of pain. His voice was firm when he spoke. "Then we have to get out of here and quickly. Help me get him up."

Castiel was the first to react.

Sam whispered to Bearded Dean: "You're gonna be okay. We'll get you out of here in no time and then Cas will heal you." The man offered a weak smile.

"With the kind of luck I have..."

Castiel crouched on his other side. "We will." He said confidently. Sam found Castiel's eyes and held on to it.

"We will," he copied.

Dean watched the scene a litte uneasy. His heart pinching.

It took a lot of effort and even much more stumbling to get Bearded Dean to finally stand up with his arms wrapped around Sam and Castiel's neck but they succeeded.

  
"Which way do we go now?" Sam said, scanning all the possible ways.

"Let's just pick one and see where it goes." Dean advised. "There's nothing much that we can do. "

It disagreeably felt like they were playing fate but they didn't have a choice. The pathway Dean and the angel had came from earlier had no issue so they hasardly picked another.

Dean walked ahead of them, even with his limping he was progressing faster than the other two others who supported the injuried man.

Both of them knew that he was uncomfortable, being carried around with such a major injury... But there was no leaving him behind. They had to get out of this cave. Sam only hoped they'd find an issue soon enough and Castiel that the wardings wouldn't affect him more than they already did by the time they made it outside.

Another wave of diziness caused Sam shake his head in order to stop the blurring of his vision. Castiel noticed.

"You're okay?" He whispered to not draw Dean's attention.

"Yeah. Just the aftermath of the fall." Sam gave his signature i'm-fine-but-really-i'm-not smile. "Nothing to worry about."

Though Castiel didn't get fooled. If Sam had hit his head, even if he didn't look externally injured, there could be serious damage inside. His brain. His brain could be bleeding.

They had to get out of here fast.

Castiel himself wasn't feeling his best, those wardings were definitely too strong.

***

Bearded Dean knew he was dreaming. His memories seemed to be the mechanism defense his mind had set to prevent him from focusing on the pain.

It was the night before they went on their mission to the bad place. Cas had try to make love to Dean, but that night even if the Angel's carresses aroused him, the hunter couldn't dive into the passion. So they ended up cuddling instead.

"You're too worried." Cas had said against Dean's naked chest.

The hunter didn't even try to repress the full extinct of his actual panic. He wasn't feeling this one. Not at all.

"We don't know what's waiting for us out there Cas." His chin rested on top of the angel's head while his fingers gently stroked his hair.

"What if we don't find Kaia. Or what if we find her and something goes wrong and we come home without the weapon. Or what if we can't go home. What if for some reason we get trapped there and then, and then..."

His fingers gripped Castiel's hair, hard, before he realized it and let go.

"Shit, I'm sorry Cas."

Castiel had rose his face to meet Dean's with a kiss. A chaste one, full of concern and tenderness. "We will be fine Dean. We always are."

He had continue to peck Dean adding more fever and pressure each time their lips touched.

But Dean's worry could not go away. It was a monster lurking at the corner of his mind, waving at him, enjoying to make him lose his goddamn sanity.

He wasn't feeling this one.  
He wasn't fucking feeling this one.

Maybe he could get Cas to stay at home.

Sam would never let him go alone, no matter how hard he'd tried to persuade the stubborn bastard. But maybe Cas would stay--

Fuck. The angel would never agree to that. And besides if Sam got injured he would need Castiel's healing power.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"Cas..." The angel continued to kiss him, his legs now straddling Dean, his hands wrapped around the hunter's neck.

"Cas," Dean tried again, but the angel wouldn't listen. Instead, his hand slid between them to come stroking Dean's semi erection under the thin fabric of his briefs. His kisses trailed down to the hunter's jaw.

"I have something to tell you..." Dean managed to say.

This was important. It couldn't wait. So the hunter cupped the Angel's face to restrain his ardor.

"Cas."

Their eyes met. Dean's hands against Castiel's cheeks were shaking. The angel noticed. Just like he noticed how profound and serious Dean's expression had gotten. He didn't know what Dean was going to tell him but he didn't want Dean to tell him now, while he was scared that they might not come back of their mission.

"No." Castiel said.

Dean face broke in a way that cut the Angel's breath for a moment. He hurried to add,"Whatever you have to say, do it when we get back. Because we will get back."

He leaned in to touch Dean's forehead with his. "It might be with Kaias weapon it might be without it - in which case we will figure out a way to take down the bad guy like we always do - but all of us will come back safe and sound from this mission. You hear me?"

"Cas," Dean pleaded but the angel shook his head.

"No. Don't this Dean. You have to believe in this mission you have to put your faith in it. You can't go out there expecting for the worse. You could end up attracting it."

When Dean said nothing, Castiel decided to close the topic using a not-so subtle distraction. His ass, perfectly positioned against Dean's crotch, started moving.

"You're going to fuck me." Still glued to Dean's, Castiel's pupils darkened with lust. "You're going to fuck me until you forget how worried you are. You're going to fuck me, and that's all you're going to think about. Deal?"

Dean's jaw clenched. He fucking loved Cas so much. So freaking much. He didn't want to lose him. He didn't want to lose that. If he went to the Bad Place and for some reason things went to hell... He would never have anything like that ever again. Ever.

"Deal."

***

"Dean? Dean? Wake up."

Someone was patting his jaw.

"C'mon Dean, wake up. You can't fall asleep, you have to stay with us."

Was he dreaming? Could it be Sam?

His eyes parted a little and he noticed indeed the familiar traits of his brother. Sam's head was turned toward someone he couldn't see, his voice raw with concern. "He has fever. He's literally burning under my palm."

"Sammy?" He winced under the effort it took him to say this simple word Sam's face turned back to him.

"Hey, it's okay don't try to talk. You've lost conscious a few minutes ago but we have to keep moving. You can't afford to rest much longer. "

It was him. It was Sam. His brother hadn't give up. He had found him. He was there.

"Sammy, you came... "

Sam stopped short before repeating. "We have to keep moving."

He was injured, he was aware of that but it wasn't the reason why he suddenly craved for his boyfriend. Sam would've never came without Castiel, he was probably there too, but his gaze couldn't remain focus long enough to spot his boyfriend.

"Where's Cas ? Cas?!"

Sam tried to calm him down but despite his closed eyes, hid body kept agitating.

"Cas? You're here Cas"

Helpless, Sam turned to look at Castiel. The man was obviously hallucinating and thinking that his own people had come back for him.

The angel,who had stood by Dean's side while Sam was trying to reanimate the unconcious man, got closer. "I'm here Dean," he kneeled by his side. "We have to get you out of here for me to be able to heal you. We can't stop walking."

"No. No wait." His eyes finally opened. He desperately searched for the Angel's hand and squeezed it tightly within his.

"Remember this conversation we had that night, before we came here, you remember it? I said I had..." A wince interrupted him. "I had something to tell you. You remember?".

Put aside, Dean could only watch as his brother and his angel were both worrying for the life of a man they had not known a few hours before. He tried not feel like a jerk about his misplaced jealousy. He failed.

Castiel's eyes questioned Sam but the younger Winchester shrugged. The fever, combined to the pain of his wound was a dangerous combination that rendered Bearded Dean delirious. They couldn't do very much to help him realize that he was still trapped in the Bad Place, and in the verge of dying.

"What did you want to tell me?" Castiel finally asked. The best to do what now, was to play the part and pretend to be Bearded Dean's people. If he wanted to get something out of his chest, he deserved to have the chance to do so before--  
  
"Would you want to marry me?"

A shallow breath made their way towards Castiel's lungs.

Sam stood up. Torn, his hands ran through his hair, his scalp damp with sweat and the humidity weighing inside the cave. He couldn't take this anymore: people dying on their watch, over and over again and all they could ever do was to watch it happen.

Bearded Dean wouldn't make it.

Sam's last glint of hope died as he reatreated to a corner further away from the scene. He just-- couldn't. He couldn't do this. Not anymore. It hurt too much. It hurt too freaking much. Jesus!

When his body fell on the ground, he was only an empty shell ready to be carried away by the ocean of bitterness swallowing him.

Sam's broken sobs echoed throughout the cave. In the midst of the thick, agonizing, sorrow, Castiel simply answered: "Yes."

Bearded Dean's hand fell out of his.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm enjoying my vacation...


	12. I Swear To Love You All My Life

  
"We need to agree on a safe word."

  
Castiel was on top of Dean, he had just finish tying the hunter's hands to the headboard with one of his ties.

Completely naked, Dean somehow managed to look perfectly casual, a true model posing for some renowned painter.

Castiel sat back to admire him, his desire burning inside his belly, blood rushing toward the part of his anotomy that ached for his lover.

Dean laughed. "Oh c'mon, we don't need that. This isn't some weird-ass fifty shades stuff." Suddenly uncertain. he felt the need to ask. "Is it?"

Castiel smiled wholeheartedly before shaking his head. "No, it's not. But we need it nonetheless."

Castiel and Dean's sexual life was everything but smooth. This week, they were exploring each other's secret fantasies and it had taken a lot of stuttering and blushing for the angel to finally admit that he wanted to take Dean's "virginity." It had happened over breakfast.

The conversation had started lightly and mostly Dean had just kept teasing Cas.

"C'mon you must be into some stuff. Everybody has a thing that turns them on. Something that they won't necessarily admit out loud. Socks, toes, bearded women..." He couldn't help his laugh when he spotted Castiel's confusion. "No seriously. Think about it, I'm waiting."

The moment it had crossed Castiel's mind, Dean saw it.

"Tell me." He said.

Castiel told him.

He didn't just want to fuck Dean. He wanted to do it with having the sight of the hunter being in some sort of vulnerable state. For once, he wanted to reverse the roles.

Castiel hadn't phrase his thoughts with such specificity though.

Dean had hazardously suggested it, and when Castiel got an instant boner right under his eyes, ready to burst out his pants, the hunter knew how much his boyfriend craved for it.

"I only want to be sure that you're okay with everything I will be doing to you."

Dean smirked. "I'm always okay with everything you do to me Cas."

Typical Dean Winchester's stubbornness. Castiel rolled his eyes. "It's different this time. Your hands are tied and..." He lowered his gaze, an abrut heat spreading across his cheeks. Dean's eyes brightned with anticipation when he saw how flustered the angel got before completing his sentence. "And my feral instincts might be taking over."

Dean's eyebrows arched suggestively. "Feral uh?" He was pretty sure he'd never heard the angel use that adjective before. "Well you know what they say Cas, show don't tell."

"Not before you choose a safe word."

"Cas."

"Yes?"

"No. My safe word is Cas."

Castiel seemed to consider it before disagreeing. "It's not "safe" to use my name."

His voice had turned pure honey when Dean cooed: " why wouldn't it be safe darling?"

"You could be saying it for other reason and I wouldn't.." Castiel found himself absorb in the texture of the bed sheet. "I wouldn't be able to make the difference, you know?"

Dean chuckled. Yeah. He knew.

"Please Dean!" The angel wriggled his hips against Dean's leg to show him how impatient he was. On the contrary of the hunter's exposed erection, Castiel's one was still hiding behind his underwear

"You must pick a safe word."

If Dean knew he'd be able to support waiting much longer to discover what Castiel had planned for him, he would've keep on teasing the angel but... "Okay. Let's go for-- I don't know-- Chuck?"

Castiel winced. "You want to put Chuck into this?"

"Oh hell yeah. Trust me he's the last person I'd be thinking about while we're at it so if you hear me actually say his name then something must be really wrong."

It made sense. Kind of. Winchester's logic. Castiel nodded. "All right. Chuck.

***

An unfamiliar breeze filtered inside his nose. Warm at first, when it spreaded inside him, his guts felt like they were being set on fire.

It burned!  
It burned!

He felt his muscles stretching, tearing each other apart. Had he gotten somehow above the pit? All this pain certainly felt like hell.

"Dean?"

"He's coming back Cas, keep going!"

Panicked voices pierced the veil of the agonizing midst. The part of him that was conscious enough to hear them, couldn't give him the necessary strength to answer.

It burned!  
It burned!

  
"Shit, we're losing him again, Cas! Dean?  
DEAN!!!"

***

  
"How about blue?" Castiel agitated a plain t-shirt in front of Dean's face. "You really like blue, don't you?"

They were doing some shopping to renew the hunter's wardrobe because according to Cas, Dean didn't "properly take care of himself." Understatement of the century, really.

"Why not choose..." Dean's hand reached pass the clothe and took a black t-shirt on the rack. "...this one?"

The angel looked discouraged. "What's the point of renewing your wardrobe if you're going to buy the same clothes?"

Dean cheated his way out of this argument by offering to Castiel the i-wanna-rip-your-clothes-off gaze. He knew it never failed to make Castiel's heart start a triathlon inside his chest. "Cas, I only love blue when I can look at it in your eyes."

Castiel's smile spreaded so widely that Dean felt the sudden urge to walk to him and kiss him right there in the middle of this crowded place.

He did.

Dean had meant it to be quick but it lasted five more seconds, maybe ten, or was it fifteen? Okay twenty. That's it, it couldn't have been more than that right?

When they parted it felt too soon for both of them and Dean nervously glanced around him. Castiel ignored his throat tightening.

They had continued shopping.

A few minutes later they were arguing over two jeans that looked exactly the same to Dean when a security agent walked towards them. They watched in confusion as he arrived. "Is there a problem?" Castiel asked as soon as he got close enough.

"Sir, I apologize for the inconvenience but we have customers who reported triggering behavior. I am obliged to ask you both to leave." The agent stepped aside his hand leading the way. Dean was not having it though.

"Come again?" The man's face remained stoic under Dean's harsh tone.

"I'm truly sorry for the trouble sir." His so-called apologies tasted like shit to Dean who suddenly wanted to throw a fist around..

"Sorry for what?"

Before it could degenerate Castiel grabbed Dean's arm. "It's okay Dean, we weren't finding anything we like anyway."

"No Cas." He broke free from his boyfriend's grip. "I want that asshole to look me in the eyes and tell me why the fuck he is kicking us out."

"I'm sorry, sir we're--"

"Dude, fuck you and your sorrys!"

Dean was baffled. This couldn't be happening in the freaking 21st century right?

Castiel, who didn't want to start a scene resorted to the only tactic he knew would make the hunter capitulate. "People are starting to watch, Dean."

As expected, that snapped the hunter out of his transe. His murdering gaze, obviously pointed that he wanted to say way more. To compensate, he threw on the floor the jeans he had in hands and walked away followed by Cas.

  
***

"Can you hear us? Dean?"

Both Sam and Castiel watched in worry at Bearded Dean still lying on the ground. His eyes had snapped open and remained immobile.

"He doesn't seem to be hearing us." Sam added.

Castiel lifted the angel blade to his throat. "I'm going to feed him more."

"Okay that's enough!" Dean snapped. "Both of you need to stop this nonsense. Now!" Standing behind them he was barely fighting the urge to kick some sanity into his brother and Castiel.

The idea of feeding Bearded Dean a small portion of his grace had popped out of nowhere but it made sense to Castiel as soon as the idea crossed his mind. If Michael could use that technic to build his army maybe Cas could do the same to save the man's life. His grace wasn't as powerful as an archangel but it was worth trying.

He had slightly cut his Adam's apple then positioned it over the man's face. The grace, glowing white smoke, had ruisseled down to Bearded Dean's nose.

"C'mon Cas," the hunter begged, his voice breaking when Catiel deepened the cut on his throat to allow more grace to sip out. "You're being irrational, there's nothing left to save here."

When Castiel began repeating the operation Dean desperataly tried to appeal to Sam's intelligence. "How can you be okay with that?"

His brother broke the eye contact to focus back on Bearded Dean who had started convulsing again as Castiel's grace made its way inside of him.

***

The angel had decided to address the issue during the ride back home. Dealing with it right now would certainly avoid a useless fight later.

"You didn't have to do this." He started.

"Do what?" Dean's tone left no doubt that he was ready to have a fight, though Castiel knew he wasn't actually mad at him.

"You didn't have to go against that agent. We could've just leave."

Indignated, Dean glanced at his direction."Cas, we did nothing wrong! How many hormonal teenagers feel each other up behind those cabins? We just kissed. That's it. It was barely ten seconds."

Castiel didn't correct him on the lenght of time. Instead he adressed the pink elephant in the backseat with them. "You're well aware of what makes us different than those particular teenagers you're talking about."

Dean's hands narrowed around the steering wheel. "Is being different wrong? Does it not allow us to do what other people do?"

"Of course not! Look--" Castiel sighed. "The point I intend to make here is that I know how much you despise exposure. That kiss earlier, it made me happy. But it also made you break your own rules, and you don't have to put yourself through situations like that. Okay? You don't need to make a statement regarding us to make me feel secure about our relationship. I know that we are real."

Later that afternoon Sam had too leave the bunker for a while. Dean and Castiel were fucking way too loud.

***

"Are you going to stop doing that?? Stop being so goddamn stupid Cas!!!" Dean plunged toward the angel but his brother, faster, had stood up to block him.

"Get out of my way Sam!"

"Dean--"

" I said get out!" He gestured toward the angel. "Can't you see that he's feeding his grace to a corpse?"

"His eyes opened several times Dean. We can't give up on him." Sam already felt defeated and the accusation in his brother's eyes made him feel like a murderer.

"I don't care about him damn it! I care about Cas!"

"You don't think I do?" Sam looked hurt that his brother would think so. "I'm not okay with our best friend putting his life on the line either but we can't let this man die Dean. He has a whole-- a whole family out there probably killing themselves trying to figure out a way to come rescue him out of here. And we're supposed to what, spit on that?"

Dean looked away.

Sam continued, his breath laboured under the affluence of emotion. "Whatever other versions of ourselves that might exist throughout the universe, they all deserve to be given as many second chances as they can get."

***

"You know what I love about you?"

Dean and Castiel were lying on the hood of the Impala, looking at the stars. It was during one of those hunting trips that took more time to get solved thhan they'd expected. Dean, who couldn't function without his angel had prayed to him, like he always do, to come keep him company.

Castiel's face was enlightened when he turned his head.

"What is it Winchester?"

Dean took a few seconds to let sink in the  compelling presence of the angel. Could it be possible that he had gotten lucky enough to experience what he had with Cas? After all the pain, the loss and the defeat he had gone through, that sudden hapiness felt surreal.

When he answered, his voice bloomed with tenderness: "Everything."

  
***

Bearded Dean's body had stopped convulsing. His eyes didn't open anymore. He was completely rigid.

 

***

Castiel had laugh to Dean's everything but his whole face went red tomato.

"And you know what I love about you?" He asked back.

Dean had grinned

"What?"

"How you always fight for life. Even when there's no hope, you still fight. You keep fighting until you break, until there's nothing else to do but to sacrifice yourself. And you never hesitate to do so. Because you believe that life is worth making big sacrifice for. If the apocalypse is knocking at your door for the second time, you open, and just throw your middle finger at it. You Love life Dean. You adore it. And that-- that is the most beautiful thing about you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Kaichou Wa Maid Sama" is one of the cutest romance anime ever! (And it's all on youtube how amazing is that?)


	13. Hold On, I Still Need You

"Cas. Cas, buddy-- Listen to me."

The sight of his brother kneeling behind Castiel, his face and voice ravaged by emotion put Sam in agony. Somehow watching the scene felt like invading his brother's privacy. 

This was supposed to be Dean's and Castiel's moment. From this point on, he had already made his goodbye but Castiel still wouldn't leave the lifeless body lying on the ground. 

Sam had two more virtigos while they were trying to reanimate bearded Dean. He chose not focus on how suspicious it was. He would have time to worry about it once they make it outside. 

Dean's tremored voice echoed through the cave. " I know that what makes you the angel you are, isn't your wings but how you're always willing to risk your guts for the greater good. That's just who you are. And if it weren't for you, Sam and I, hell the whole world would've been fucked a long time ago."

"Now I know that you've made mistakes. We all did. It's our signature right?" His broken laugh shattered Sam's heart. "But right now we can't afford to make them, and staying in this cave is a big mistake Cas. We're losing time. We're losing energy and we don't know how those wardings are going to affect you the longer you're exposed to them. You've tried all you could for this guy. It's sad that he's gone but you can't save everyo--"

Bearded Dean sat up, as if he had dragged himself out of a terrible nightmare. 

Sam fell on his knees. The relief too heavy to be handled on his shaky legs. "Oh my God--" out of breath he could barely form a word. "It-- it worked! We brought you back! We did it!"

The first Bearded Dean noticed was how close his face was to the angel. He felt the same way he did when he had mistaken the angel for his boyfriend. His next move felt pretty logical.

He leaned in for a kis--

"Hey! Easy there pal." 

Dean's hand intervened, holding back the man's chest, his eyes sending a clear warning as he scolded, "Not your Cas."

But bearded Dean knew and with that knowledge , despite Dean's strong grip on his chest, he still leaned in, grabbed both of Castiel's cheeks and planted a soft kiss on the angel's lips.

When he re-opened his eyes,the angel's face had caught on fire, which made him chuckle a bit.

"Don't worry," his thumbs caressed Castiel's jawlines. "It only means, thank you."  
Then reminded of Dean raging just a foot from them he added with a wink. "Or maybe not."

***

"I can't believe it!" As stunned as the others, Sam discovered the sight that was waiting for them outside. They made it out of the cave. He addressed Bearded Dean. "Is that...?"

"Yes." The man nodded. "Yes it is. The river where I found Kaia's trace a few months ago."

The peacful water in front of them brought a feeling of salvation that the four men avidly bit on. 

"Well, looks like falling inside that cave wasn't that much of a bad thing after all."

No one replied to Dean's obvious attempt at trying to highlight the silver lining of Bearded Dean's near death. Castiel spoke. "So what do we do now?" 

"What we need to do," Sam answered, "is to establish the disadvantages of our current situation."

They all waited for him to elaborate.

"We all lost our bags during that fall which means that now we're out of food and water supplies but most importantly we don't have any weapons with us. We're completely defenseless in case we get attacked."

Dean agreed. "Yeah, that sucks." 

"Also, let's not forget that we don't know the reason why that cave was warded with those Enochian symbols. For all we know, there might be a bigger enemy out there that we need to be in the look out for. Our watches are broken but I think we can all agree that we've spent closely to 24 hours here already. Thankfully we've gained some advance by getting to that river quicker than we'd expected." He designated bearded Dean. "According to what you said before we took off, returning to the rift should take thirty five hours. It only leaves us a little bit over thirteen hours to find Kaia. But we're all tired and injured and Cas using up his grace has weakened him."

Sam's analyze of the situation was perfectly accurate. Their odds at succeeding this mission sucked. A hard pill for Dean to swallow."So what are you saying?" 

"I'm saying that we should head back to the rift. The sooner the better. We weren't prepared to be that vulnerable if we had to go against Kaia and a possible other enemy."

A defeated silence followed that declaration. 

They all knew Sam had a point but the fact that they went through all that trouble to end up going back home without a win...

Dean cursed. He was talking about not doing mistakes earlier, it would be a dick move to now force everybody to stay and fight when they were defenseless. "Okay then. If we're going to head back we might as well settle here for the night."

Sam offered him a grateful smile. "Right. And good thing we're by a river. I'm dying to freshen up." Bearded Dean followed when he started undressing. Meanwhile Castiel stepped closer to the other hunter.

"I need to talk to you... Alone."

The angel's tone and face hinted that it was serious. Dean wondered what could it be that the angel wouldn't say in front of Sammy? He turned to the two others making fool of themselves in the water, splashing each other as if they were kids.

"Hey, Castiel and I are gonna look for some woods to make a fire for tonight. We'll be back."

They barely paid attention to him.

***

Castiel and Dean walked along the river until they had gotten to a safe distance. 

"What is it Cas?"

The angel didn't make him wait any longer. "It's about your brother, I'm afraid he might be injured though I don't know to what extent. The problem is we're out of the cave but I'll still need more time to recover enough to be able to heal him."

Castiel stumbled. The angel groaned with pain as his knees hit the he ground. Dean's hands found him fast, holding him. "Cas are you alright? Talk to me man! What's happening, what's wrong?"

"My back--" The angel gasped.

"Your back?' 

Dean didn't ask for any further explanation. He kneeled in front of the angel and started by removing the trench coat. "Let's get you out of all these clothes so I can take care of you."

Suit, tie, shirt, undershirt. All of it went away. Dean refused to let his stare linger on Castile's torso, he'd never realized that under his formal attire the angel hid a well built body.

He moved behind the angel and that's when he understood where his pain came from. Dean's lips parted in horror.

The skin was ripped in several places. As if some wild animal had continuously tore it apart with claws. The wounds covered both side of his back, bleeding.

Tears filled the hunter's eyes. "What did this to you?" His fingers approached the damaged skin, brushing it like a soft breeze. 

"My wings." Castiel answered. "I popped them out twice today, the first to save the other Dean and the second when I jumped after you during that fall."

"Wait, you're saying that your wings did this to you?"

"There's a reason why I don't go spreading them around whenever I want to. They may not destroy the fabric of my clothes but they affect this vessel. Human bodies weren't conceived to support their celestial appearances. If I choose to force them out I have to suffer the consequences afterwards. It usually don't take long before I can heal myself but you know with me falling in that cave and..."

He didn't say the rest but Dean wasn't afraid to say it for him. "And giving up part of your grace to save this dude's ass-- danm it Cas!" He stopped himself. This wasn't the moment to go off on Cas. He grabbed the shirt at his feet. "I'm gonna take care of this." 

He wetted the cloth into the river then returned at the angel's side to clean the wounds.

"Why do you always have to push yourself like that?" Dean was patting the humid shirt over the injured skin, carefully, as if he was juggling with eggs.

"You're one to talk," Castiel joked. 

"It's not about that, Cas. Just because you're an angel doesn't mean that you're invicible." 

"You don't think I know it?"

"No you don't!" The hunter snapped. He sighed, calmed himself down and continued his task. "Can't you understand that I can't risk losing you anymore? Everytime you're gone it feels like it's going to be the last time. And even when you come back I'm always on the edege, expecting the next big shit that is going to come at you. You can't--" 

Dean chocked. He remained silent a few second to recollect himself. 

"I'm a Winchester Cas. We don't get lucky in life. Never. So please just--" The cloth fell out of his hand as he circled Castiel in a tight embrace, his face resting against the Angel's back. "I can't lose you anymore. I fucking can't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now it's time to focus on regular Dean and "HIS" Cas 😉


	14. A long Endless Highway, You're silent beside me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel awful for not updating for two weeks but I started working on something important to me. It's also related to writing, I'll let you know in due time. Don't worry I'm not giving up this fanfic, I love you guys too much for that.

  
  
  
The last spark of the campfire had died a while ago. The three Winchesters laid on the ground, Sam resting between the two Dean. Castiel sat nearby, his chin on top of his knees and arms wrapped around his legs. The four men didn't let the defeat of their having to return home without Kaia's weapon cast a shadow on their evening.  The atmosphere had quickly lighten up when they all sat around the fire, roasting lizards Bearded Dean had taught them how to catch.   
  
Dean had made a joke about how he could have invested this time he spent here in learning to catch birds instead of reptilians. Without blinking, Bearded Dean had replied that having conquered one being with wings was enough satisfaction for a lifetime. Sam didn't hold back his hilarity.  
  
Later, while eating bits of crusty meat the group reminisced  about their spookiest hunting trips. Most of Bearded Dean's memories were similar to the others except of course when it came to Castiel.   
  
Bearded Dean shared that one time, Castiel had popped in the room where they interrogated an eye witness because he had "forgotten " to bring his medication despite the angel reminding him countless times. Bearded Dean was still recovering from the flu during that hunting trip.  
  
Even the angel had a good laugh, hearing the story. Now he was the only one sitting by the dead campfire, his eyes lazily contemplating the reflection of the moon on the surface of the calm water.   
  
Hard to think that a bit more than 24 hours ago he was in the same position. When they had just arrived in The Bad Place. Situations were reversed now that they go back to the rift. At least this trip would have permitted to rescue this other Dean out of this infernal cage.    
  
Once they would be all safe and sound, the angel planned to make a trip to heaven to see how he could help reunite the man with his own people.   
  
Castiel's eyes slipped toward the boys and caught Dean staring at him. Time stood still while his memory  withdrew hours backward  when he was caged between Dean's shivering arms. He had felt the frantic heartbeat of the hunter against his back, how cold  his palms were, the pressure of his fingers almost carving into his skin.  Castiel  didn't move a muscle. Maybe too scared that he'd break the moment even if he dared breathing too loud.   
  
"Can't sleep" Dean whispered, knowing the angel would hear him nonetheless. "Too much on my mind."  
  
Castiel nodded. Dean already blamed himself for letting Michael out. Not finding Kaia and the weapon was fuel added to the fire. He caught a ghost smile on Dean's lips.  
  
"You look like a lost puppy sitting on your own like that." The hunter  patted the empty ground next to him. "Come here."  
  
Dean waited for Castiel to make himself as comfortable as possible. He ended up laying on his back, face exposed to the black sky. None of them spoke. The silence stretched. Castiel was confused about whether to break it or not. What would he talk about? Certainly not feelings. No matter how sad Dean felt, he never shared anything. Castiel didn't want to push him to.  
  
Back in the cave, Dean's words had reached pass the burning wound caused by the fear  of losing Bearded Dean to enlighten a fire of comfort and hope inside his heart.  And earlier when Dean  broke down  at the sight of his scarred back, Castiel wanted nothing more than to lift the burden of his concern by any means possible. But the problem with Dean's speeches, was that  the angel could never decipher the boundary between simple innocent friendship and the beginning of something else, the beginning of something more, something Castiel shouldn't be daring dreaming about...  
  
The angel snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of Dean's soft voice. "...been saying this for a while but I swear if we beat the bad guy, this time I'm taking freaking vacation."  
  
Castiel tried to resist laughing. "I think you would find work to do even if you were on vacation Dean." He glanced at the hunter just in time to catch his skeptical frown.  
  
"Saying what now?"  
  
"You have the mind of a hunter. Wherever you go, whatever the decor is, if there's something wrong you won't be able to resist checking it out."  
  
"You've been analyzing me now?" The tone was light, Castiel shrugged.  
  
" I became familiar with your behavior patterns after more than a decade of friendship. Predictable."  
  
"Well while you're at it, fell me what else you got in the bag for me."  
  
Their eyes met again and Castiel noticed the challenging expression. Dean was silently daring him to prove that he knew him as well as he claimed.  
  
Child play, literally.  
  
"You adore playing fake FBI adgent. For Sam it's only a part of the hunter's job, but the pleasure you take from it is different. The impression that you have the power to make people bend under your will, it brings you... Satisfaction."  
  
"You realize how evil that makes me sound right?"  
  
Castiel shrugged. "It's not necessarily a cocktail for disaster. Though it is clear being imperious if your favorite personality trait about yourself."  
  
"Says Mr. "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition. You should show me some respect. " The flagrant sarcasm made  the angel grimace with embarrassment. "The context was different."  
  
"Oh is that so?"  
  
"You were being an ass--"  
  
"Please don't say assbutt."  
  
"I was just going to say ass period. And besides it's not like my threat had subsisted over the years."  
  
Castiel fully turned to Dean whose  banana grin ate his entire face. .  
  
"That's because as badass as you want to appear you remain a baby in a trenchcoat."  
  
"How can I still be a baby after I went through the "I'm your your new God" phase?"  
  
"Because as you just pointed it out, most your deviant phases were just phases. The real you is the one I caught at 3 am in our kitchen trying to figure out how to open a packed juice."  
  
"You saw that?"   
  
"Yes Cas,  I saw you having a private conversation with a Kool Aid."  
  
"I was trying to get it to show me..."  
  
"How to open it. I've figured." Dean couldn't help it anymore. He rolled on his back, his body shaken with silent laughter.  
  
"They shouldn't make these things so complicated. That's one more reason why I'm not bothering on trying human food anymore."  The hunter sat up, barely able to regain composure. Castiel whined. "Come on Dean. It's not funny."  
  
"No it's not. It's adorable. Kitten level of adorable."  
  
The moon lightened Dean's features in a way that wrapped around a fantasy aura. Castiel gaped at the sight of such beauty. He shook himself out of it.   
  
"You're one to talk. May I remind you that you also have those moments of being "kitten level of adorable? "  
  
"Ha! I'm all ears then. I'd be surprised if you can even come up with one."  
  
"You get mad at the toaster for burning your toasts. I am fairly certain that  you are the one who should be held responsible for that."  
  
Dean's expression turned hilariously offended. His mouth opened but he  remained voiceless during few seconds until he could finally manage a defense. "Okay this doesn't count because this toaster has a personal beaf with me."  
  
"It does not have feelings Dean."  
  
"It tried to eat my hand one day!"  
  
"It's possessed now?"  
  
"Hell it might be!"  
  
Castiel finally cracked up and despite how Dean was trying to stay angry he ended join him.  
  
They continued bickering, dig up the most embarrassing anecdotes they had compiled of each other over the year.   
  
The moon had disappeared behind a cloud by the time they were done with each other, cheeks hurting and eyes watering from having laughed too hard.  
  
"You ever miss heaven?" Dean asked out of nowhere.  "I mean all the things we've been through... I know your home had suck lately but before all that, it was kind of great uh? If it can be fixed, you ever feel going back?"  
  
Castiel considered the question. Did he?  
  
"I think what I miss about heaven is the idea of peace that is attached to it. You know in the old days, before God left and everything, the kind of thing we used to worry about was who messed up and got out of their own heaven without permission."  
  
"Wait, that used to happen?"  
  
"Quite a lot of time. They'd just open the door and stumbled into this white hall more confused than ever. You know after death the more time passes the more this new life becomes all that you ever knew,   soon you start forgetting what your old human life used to  be. Of course you'll remember friends and family. What you're going to forget about is  the routine, the little details. All of it falls in oblivion because it's magnified in heaven. It's magnified ten thousand times by your idea of what hapiness looks like."  
  
"Sounds awesome."  
  
"It is."  
  
"Why do I feel like there's a but in there?"  
  
"But when you open that door and you stumbled into this hall, and the decor doesn't make sense and at all,  the longing hit you in the chest like a hammer. You feel the crave, you feel that there's something missing.  Without really knowing it, you start realizing that it's the details that you miss. How you used to come back  home from yet another stressful day at work and you're finally relieved you don't have to pretend handling the attitude of your boss. You hit the shower, you heat some leftovers and then you propped yourself on the couch in front of your favorite  show. Then you a receive a text from a friend who sent you some meme about a cat trying to eat it's own tail and you laugh so hard that you almost choke..."  
  
Castiel took a pause, Dean felt his breath suspending while waiting for the angel to continue.  
  
"You see, those details Dean, they do not exist in heaven. Because heaven is the same generic of happiness on the loop.  I'd rather have what I have with Sam and you down here on earth forever instead of being up there. I'd rather have you forever."  
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always forget that those of you who don't follow me on Ig don't know that I published a destiel one shot last month. The title is "Hellbound" it's only one chapter and it's top Cas/bottom Dean :)


	15. Driving a nightmare I can't escape from

 

  
Sam didn't wake up the next day.

It had started raining for more than three hours now. The boys took the walk back to the rift as soon as it had been concluded that Sam would remain  unconscious. Castiel's powers refueled little by little though they still weren't effective. The good news: Sam breathed and had a heart beat, faint but there. The bad: they had to carry him, which slowed there progression; one arm around Dean, the other around Bearded Dean.

Castiel was the only one of them with a weapon, the angel blade, thus his task of being on the look out for any sign of danger.

From a spaced tap-tap the rain had quickly turned into a  deluge forcing the boys to seek a refuge to wait it out.

Minutes streched into more hours. Sam rested semi comfortably against Dean with the trench coat covering his tall frame to protect him from the now cold atmosphere. Every once in a while Dean checked his breath, still unsteady, and his pulse.

Castiel continued  to impose his palms on him, but forcing his powers to work while he was recovering drained him more than helping Sam.

Finally, all three of them just sat there, engulfed in an antagonizing silence. Bearded Dean fell asleep, exhausted. Twelve hours had passed now, the rain seemed nowhere close to be fading. 

Castiel made a decision.

When he looked into Dean Winchester's eyes, the hunter saw it too. 

"No." 

The firm injunction didn't startle Castiel's resolution. The fact that Dean had guessed his intention before he spoke, prove that he's been thinking about it as much as the angel did. 

"It's the only solution..."

"Castiel."

" We'll never make it back to the rift in time by carrying him that way."

Dean didn't argue with that. His hands around his brother tightened on the fabric of the trenchcoat.

"It hurts you. I'm pretty sure your back hasn't fully healed yet and..." Dean huffed, his face tormented. "It hurts you."

Castiel didn't replied, instead his hand reached over Dean's fist and stayed there until the hunter's fingers relaxed and entertwined with his. 

The energy irradiating from this simple contact screamed fear, desperation, helplessness. They stayed like this, not looking at each other but holding onto each other. After a while Castiel said: "If I take off now, my wings will get wet and useless. After the rain, I'll fly him back to the rift."

  
***

A hurricane. That's what Dean thought about as he watched Castiel's wings flutter on his back. 

He stood approximatively five feet apart, fascinated. It was the third time he's seen them in 24 hours and despite having remembered Castiel saving him from the pit, their sight still left him speechlesss.

The feathers were so long that the bottom row  brushed the ground. The amount off space they took on their own could be evaluated as the height of a man and they reached far on each side of Castiel.

They must be heavy. Dean thought.

"You can come closer." 

The angel  didn't add: you don't have to be afraid of them. 

They stood outside the refuge they had found under a pile of rocks. The rain had stopped few minutes ago and Castiel had decided to go out and stretch his wings, maybe take a fly around to see how traveling in the air in the Bad Place would look like. 

Dean crossed the distance  separating them, hypnotized. Castiel's wings  folded slightly to appear less impressive and when Dean's hand reached for them, they were immobile, waiting for the contact.  

At the last moment Dean froze, shooting an unsure glance at Castiel as if to ask: "Can I?"  
The angel noded. Yes he could. He could, _very much_.  
Castiel closed his eyes, to shut down the sight of everything that might distract him from experiencing Dean's touch on his wings to its fullest.

Light at first, Dean's fingers became more thorough as he explored underneath the soft layers, fondling, Castiel shuddered from the unexpected rush of adrenaline overflowing his senses. 

The hunter spotted a portion of feathers tainted in a mix of dark blue and amethyst. His thumb and forefinger caressed the complexion, spacing the feathers as if to dissect them, except his motions were tender.

Castiel collapsed again Dean's neck. His body jerking with violent tremors.

"Please, stop." He whined, his breath laborious, as if he'd been holding it the whole time.

Concerned, Dean's hand detached from Castiel's wing to rest against the back of his head.

"Am I hurting you?" 

_Yes, you are._   
_These feelings..._   
_I can't._   
_Not for you..._   
_Dean, can't you see?_

  
Two or three minutes passed. Dean made soothing gestures with his hand on the back of Castiel's head until the angel stopped trembling. When he detached from the embrace, Dean took a step back.

Whatever moment they just had was broken now. Castiel walked pass him.

" I need to get Sam to the rift."

Dean let him go.

***

The sky remained cloudy. The ground was mudy and slippery. The two Deans walked side by side. One defeated, one mournful, both hopeless.

Castiel took off with Sam a while ago. 

"They will be fine." Bearded Dean said finally. 

The other hunter winced at the simple thought of both his brother and Castiel being in danger at the same time.

He appeased himself with the certainty that once Castiel got back to the bunker, him, Rowena and Jack, would do all they could  to fix whatever was wrong with Sam.

As for the both of them here...

"Listen--" 

"You can spare me the speech."   Bearded Dean cut him smugly. "I've given it enough myself to know that you're about to tell me that if for some reason things go to hell here and I have a chance to make it back to the rift without looking back, I should just do it."

His tone was light but Dean was dead serious when he replied.

"You're not getting stuck here twice in a row."

Bearded Dean sighed.

"One day, this hero complex will kill us for good."

  
Dean got lost in his gloomy thoughts. He now realized that touching Castiel's wings earlier was the most intimate act he'd ever done with the angel. He replayed the scenario in his head over and over again. Every shade of color, every sensation under his fingers, the excitement of being the only one who's ever been able to share this experience with Cas...

Jesus!  It was easier to maintain a brave facade when Castiel was around. Now his mask broke, his emotions laid bare for bearded Dean to see in a simple glance. 

  
"What's on your mind?" Bearded Dean asked.

" I should've kissed him." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't realize I was going to add a " wing moment" in this chapter until I started writing that scene. I hope if some of you are fond of wing kinks I met your expectations. :)


	16. Helplessly praying, the light isn't fading

 

 

Dry throats. Both Deans had to stop talking in order to economize some saliva. Thankfully they were spared from burning under the sun since dark clouds still covered the sky. But bigger problems needed to be taken care of like their current vulnerability without an angel  to protect them.

They agreed to stop in order to improvise  some weapons  made out of woods, like spears. One could never be too careful in the "Bad Place."

As they were sharpening the tips  they shared some memory from purgatory were they had to do the same before they met Benny who provided them with a more effective weapon. 

Bearded Dean confessed that the only thing he could think about as he was  relentlessly looking for Castiel was to come clean about his feelings for the angel when he would finally find him. 

  
Dean listened in a respectful silence, the narrative of, the doubt, the fear and the desperation. He had shared those same emations back then, however on the contrary of Bearded Dean he had not realize yet  that his concern trespassed the borders of platonic friendship. 

"How did you know?" He asked. Bearded Dean seemed to have it so easy. Decipher his emotions, confessing them to Castiel, the guy just threw himself off a bridge without  worries of what would await him below. 

"Cas and I, we've been friends for so long..." Dean says again. "I don't know exactly when it started for me to be something else. I mean sure Purgatory definitely hit me in the gut. If I didn't find him... I think..." Dean interrupted himself, drown back to those moments. Every sleepless cold nights spent praying to Cas, every monster defeated and with each head that fell the hope of finding him  becoming dust. "I would have gone crazy."

Bearded Dean agreed silently. He knew. God, if someone knew how that felt it was him. Those pass months have been Purgatory multiply by ten thousand. And even if now, he had a chance of going out he still couldn't be reunited with his Cas. His love. His everything. He thought about staying there. At least in the Bad Place, Cas knew where to find him and maybe he would succeed... Someday.

Bearded Dean realized that his attention  had  drifted away. 

"Sorry, can you say that again?"

"I was asking you how did you realize that it was more than friendship. Because for me even after Purgatory and Leviathans, I had no clue that it was more than that. I kept repeating to myself that he's family that I care for him the same way I care for Sam..."

Bearded Dean shook his head. 

"You don't care for him the same way you care for Sam. That's how I knew. It wasn't an epiphany you know. It wasn't like he was on the verge of dying and I suddenly realized: crap he's the love of my life I can't live without him."

Dean drank every word eagerliy waiting for the big revelation. Why? What would it change for him? Didn't he already come to his own realization? Or did he need some kind of proof. Proof that no matter how long he had waited, no matter the situation, the circumstances, he and Cass would have always ended up on that road. He needed that certainty to stop the self flagellation  for being so stupidly oblivious.

"I realized after a hunter trip." Bearded Dean sat, settling his now finished spear on the ground besides him. "I was driving back to the crappy motel where we stayed, Sam was asleep on the passenger seat, mouth wide open, drooling..."

They both laughed. 

  
"... And I remember glancing at Sam and feeling that familiar protectiveness toward him. Then Castiel appeared in the backseat.  Of course I swore and told him for the billionth time to stop doing that shit but suddenly the fact of having him there, the feeling it brought me, I realized that I don't feel that way when Sam walks into the room. It's a different type of thing. And then I understood that even though I'd still die for both, I don't love them the same way."

He envisioned the memory easily, the sight of Castiel frowning in culpability, from the rearview mirror, while being scolded.  With the memory came back the desire to reach for those lines on the angel's forehead and soothe them with his fingers. 

Dean's thoughts threaded on a different path. Yesterday Castiel and him obviously had a moment when he took care of his back, then another one later, when they laid beside each other looking at the stars, and one more earlier, before Cas departed.  
All of that left no doubt in Dean's mind that the angel would be receptive if he took the first step. But being here in the Bad Place and out in their own world were two different things. It was easy to be tempted to lean on all the possibilities of what could happen between Cas and him without the external factors of their own world ready to mess things up the first chance they got. It was already a pain to lose Cas when they were simply friends... He survived that multiple times but if ever had to lose him as a lover... even for once!

Dean lowered his head between his knees, his shoulders dropping as he confessed,  
 "I can't be the type of person who would be good for him." Bearded Dean's reality might be different but there's no guarantee his could be the same.   
" I'm only trouble. I mean, you know the type of baggage we carry. And I'm also well aware that he has a fragile heart, with only a misplaced word or action... I cannot allow myself to take the risk of being somebody he's going to hate someday."

"You're scared, I've been there too--"

"It's not only about being scared. I... I can't even handle a proper friendship with him. You know how often we get on each other's nerves."

Bearded Dean chuckled humorlessly.  
"So what? Friends fight, couples fight, it happens."

"I'm such a coward."

"No, you're a man in love. It's normal to have doubts and second guess yourself. I would say it's part of the process."

Bearded Dean's word flew through him, poking inside the knit ball of insecurities that weighted heavy on his chest. Love.  
He was in love. 

This simple word might as well be written in gold letters in front of him considering the clarity with which the statement hit him. 

I can do this. He thought.

  
Bearded Dean stood up, break was over, time to get going. When Dean copied his movement a hand on his shoulder kept him from taking the first step. Confused, he glanced in the direction that had caught Bearded Dean's attention.

What the hell? Was it--

" Sammy?"

What was he doing standing here? Was he okay? He should be with Castiel!  Where the hell was Cas?! 

Dean opened his mouth to interrogate his brother but stopped when noticing the strange way Sam looked pass him to scrutinize Bearded Dean. The second thing he noticed was that this Sam wasn't wearing the same clothes as his brother.

"That's not him." Bearded Dean echoed to his thoughts. They both readied themselves for battle, their spears firmly grasped.

Before they could manage more words, another person appeared from behind Sam and that one had them both speechless.

They exchanged a shocked glanced, went back to the new comer, looked at each other again. Unbelievable. Except, not really, since they had come here to find her after all, right?

Kaia.

And she had the weapon. 

  
"Which one of them is yours?" She spoke, not addressing the Winchesters in front of her, but the one at her side. 

 _Which one of them is yours?_  
What a strange question to ask.

_Which one of them is... YOURS?_

  
A light bulb switched on inside Bearded  Dean's mind, breaking open the barrier that restrained an ocean of hope from drowning him those pass months.

He took a step forward his head tilted to one side.

"Sammy?"

Sam gasped. It was him. He didn't even have to check him with holy water or silver to prove it.  He could see it in those eyes. He found Dean. 

Cas, Rowena, Jack and him, they've eiarched without resting not even for a second, opening rift after rift to dimensions that they didn't think could be worse the apocalypse word and finally--

FINALLY. 

Sam ran the few feet separating  them and shoved his brother in a desperate hug.  It was reunion, salvation, redemption. It was everything he's prayed for being exhausted right this moment. 

"Dean!"

"Sam!" 

Sam hugged his brother as if holding a part of himself to keep it from falling apart. He would let this embrace last as long as possible because the news he had about Cas...

Dean would want to die in a matter of seconds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe Someday" by Colleen Hoover is a romance novel that made me want to smash my head against a wall, step on my phone, rip my heart out my chest and never fucking fall in love . . .
> 
> I should've read this book wayyyy sooner but I saved this year for me by reading it. 
> 
> The author collaborated with a singer/songwriter to make an original soundtrack for the book, how COOL IS THAT??!!   
> The Song "Maybe Someday " has my heart till the day I die.
> 
> If you type Maybe Someday by Griffin Peterson on youtube, you'll find it.
> 
> You're welcome!


	17. Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones

  
Sam kept his hands on his brother's shoulders while answering the question: Where's Castiel?

Maybe he braced himself to catch his big brother in case he stumbled due to the shock or he simply needed to maintain the contact in order to reassure himself that this moment wasn't generated by his imagination. 

He really found Dean. They will be able to go home. Except, Castiel made a deal with the Empty and from now on, things would never be the same.

"It was either that or losing Jack..." Sam explained. "And you know he'd never bear the idea of losing him."

Sam's heart twisted painfully in his chest. He refused to let go when his brother tried to step away, his grasp stronger than ever. 

"So if Cas is happy..?"

"Yeah..."

They didn't need to complete that thought.  Dean's return would definitely make Castiel happy. They will have to  find a way to overshadow that hapiness to prevent The Empty from coming after Cas. Sam felt his brother shudder. 

"This freaking circle of us sacrificing ourselves will never end."

"Hey, hey. We will figure this out. That's what we do, remember? Let's get you home first, we'll have plenty of time to figure out everything else."

Dean watched the two brothers hugged once more, happy that they got reunited even if they will have to deal with yet another obstacle. His eyes kept flying between the both of them and Kaia, who put up a severe expression on her face.

"Did you guys succeeded at defeating Michael?" He asked.

Sam turned around, on the verge of answering but a  gesture from Kaia kept his mouth shut.

"You've interfered enough with each other's reality." She warned. "This could have consequences."

Dean shot her a venomous glare.

"Thanks for the concern but right now the only consequence I care about is kicking Michael's ass."

"And I'll give you my weapon if that's what you came after but I won't allow you to know what's happening in other dimensions."  

"Why the hell not!" Dean barked. If those guys vanquished the archangel even without the weapon, knowing their method might certainly be handy. For once things might be easy after all. 

His minatory demeanor didn't startle Kaia. She remained unshakable as she simply asked.

"How do you think the Bad Place ended up being The Bad Place?"

"What?"

"My people, they suffered from the archangel's invasion too." She revealed. "We were persecuted to the point that we had to hide under the surface to avoid being captured."

The images of the cave they had fallen in  emerged in Dean's mind. Those  wardings, that's what they were there for, he realized.

All three of them listened Kaia's narrative about the war that raged here in the Bad Place between her people and Michael's army.

"By the time we succesfully forged a  weapon powerful enough to affect the archangel, most of us were decimated. To this day, the few survivors never stay on the surface for too long. The future of other dimensions can affect us here too, I can't risk my people going through that bloodshed ever again."

Taken aback, Dean felt his fury fade away as he realized that just like him Kaia was only trying to protect her own world, or at least what was left of it. 

"I understand." He replied. 

She held the weapon in his direction. The moment Dean's hands circled it, the  responsibility it represented weighted heavy on his chest.

"Good luck." She turned to Sam with his own brother and added, "To all of you."

Sam noded his thanks. Then she said a few words in an unfamiliar language before vanishing in a breeze. 

Her people knew some magic, that's how they had survived to Michael. Dean felt reassured to know that their magic forged this weapon. He eyes lift to Bearded Dean, still standing close to his Sam.

"So, I guess this is goodbye."

Dean was surprised by the punch in the gut his emotions gave him. When he first met the guy he shot him and now he could almost tear up at the idea of being separated. Almost. He still craved to give him a piece of his mind for all those times he dared getting too handsy with Cas.

As if he had read his mind, Bearded Dean walked toward him a grin plastered on his face.

"You know danm well you're gonna miss my ass." He bragged before pulling him into a hug. 

This encouter with Bearded Dean had certainly changed his life for the best, the hunter thought, feeling grateful to have been somehow a part of his getting reunited with his own people.  Also, thanks to that guy, he had conquer his fear of confessing his feelings to Castiel.

  
"Whatever happens," Bearded Dean whispered in his ear while hugging him. "Don't let him make that deal." 

"I won't."

When they parted, he saw a resolution in the Bearded Dean's eyes that made him ache. "What are you going to do?"

"You know what I am going to do."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was short 😞 I know. Sorry!


	18. Can You Hear Me Screaming "Please Don't Leave Me!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I skipped the lyrics that said "They took you away on a table. I pace back and fourth as you lay still, they pull you in to feel your heartbeat."
> 
> I went straight to "Can you hear me screaming please don't leave me" because as I wrote this chapter I felt that this part of the lyrics were more relevant to what was going to happen in the chapter.

 

"How is he?" Bearded Dean asked.

 

They were walking back to the rift Sam had come from. His eyebrows furrowed at his brother's question. During these past few he had watch the angel go from fearless motivatin to absolute despair and the fact that Castiel couldn't sleep-- He literally spent all his time tracking Dean down from one dimension to the other.

"I don't think I can put it into words." Sam  finally answered. "You know the first weeks he had that ferocious energy... Every time we opened a rift, he'd stayed until the very last moment. He flew around every Bad Place we've stepped into until his back couldn't take it anymore. That's why he didn't come with me this time. But don't worry," he added when his brother winced. "He's in pain but he's going to be okay." Then to lighten up the atmosphere, he nudged Bearded Dean with his elbow. "I bet he'll love the irony of me finding you without him."

That got a tiny smile out of Bearded Dean. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure he will--"  

The sentence died on his lips as the rift heaved in sight. His eyes widened in disbelief and he remained frozen in place until Sam's hand patted his shoulder to get his his attention. 

When Bearded Dean looked at him, his own eyes filled with tears as he calmly said: "Let's go home."

***

Bearded Dean had it all planned out in his head during the time it took them to go back to the rift. When Sam and him emerged in the room, Jack saw them first.

 The Nephilim  was reading one of the many books opened on the map table, they were all about multiple dimensions. His head had snapped up when the Winchesters stepped in the room,  his stare flew from Sam to  Bearded Dean, awestruck.

He gently shook  Rowena's arm, she had fallen alseep on the chair next to him.

  
During the next minutes it was  effusiveness of embrace and tears until Castiel appeared in the room and everybody instinctively gave Bearded Dean some space.  
His angel looked depleted and Bearded Dean mentally slapped his face for causing so much worry to this precious winged man. 

They didn't realize the others had left them alone in the room. Right now the only thing that mattered was the other one's presence. 

They fell into each other's arm, grasping onto clothes, pulling the fabrics as they hugged, clinging to the other's neck, face, lips... 

They were desperate to have more contact than they couldn't ever get. When they broke the kiss due to oxygen need, they remained burried in each other's neck. Dean felt Castiel break in silent sobs and his own tears streamed down his face, his hands pulled Castiel's waist closer to his as he said over and over again...

"I'm here darling.. I'm here.. I'm here.. I'm here."

For now. At least. Because Bearded Dean had come to a decision on his way back home. He couldn't risk losing Castiel to the Empty and as long as the angel and him would be together and happy Castiel was at risk.

The only way to keep Castiel safe was to break his heart. 

Bearded Dean braced himself then took a step back. God, how beautiful the angel was. So beautiful and so strong.

His hands cupped the Angel's face and Castiel leaned against the contact, his eyes never leaving the hunter.

"Sam told me about the deal." He didn't let Cas  interupt. "I know you had to. I understand."

Maybe it was something in the hunter's eyes or his own irrational fears taking over, but Castiel hands slid up from Bearded Dean's waist to grasp his shoulders.

"I'm sorry for putting us through that after everything we've been through already. But we will find a way out of this." The angel searched in his boyfriend's eyes for any sign that he had give up on whatever stupid idea was running through his mind. "Dean?"

"I can't risk losing you like that Cas. I can't risk losing you ever again. "

"You won't lose me."

"You don't know that."

Castiel breathed in. Deeply. This resolution in Dean's eyes, it couldn't foretell anything good. 

"Don't you dare say it. Dean." He yanked away from the hunter's carress putting a distance between them. "Don't you dare!"

"We can't stay together if the Empty might come take you away in any minute!"

"Why are you doing this to us now?" Castiel pleaded. "I just got you back."

  
The sorrow in Castiel's words felt like a dagger piercing through Bearded Dean's heart. It hurt like a son of a bitch to be forced to put an end to their relationship but he knew that this pain was nothing compared to what he would feel if he ever lost Cas to the Empty. It might happen in ten years, five, two, or in just a few months but the fact that they didn't know "when" exactly would the Empty strike left Dean no choice.

"Darling, I'm so sorry." He walked to Castiel again, and the angel didn't resist his arms when they pulled him in. He closed his eyes against the hunter's chest. "We have to. You know that we have to. Until we find a way to get you out of that deal, breaking up is our safe card. It is for now."

Castiel didn't answer right away. They remained in position, both of them not wanting to say the words that would make this "thing" official. Bearded Dean appeared strong for both of them, but God knew he was dying inside.

 

"Okay." Castiel said.

 

 


	19. Hold On, I Still Want You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who didn't know this whole story is based off a writing prompt I posted a few months ago on my Instagram account @destielprompts. You can follow me for other prompts to inspire you in your writing. 😇

  
Dean was the only Winchester left in the Bad Place. It should have been scary to be isolated in such an unpredictable environment but somehow he was at peace. Bearded Dean had gotten back to his home, this achievement felt like stopping the Apocalypse. However, a dark cloud obscured this happy ending. The hunter had guessed what Bearded Dean would do once he got home safe and sound: he would break up with his Cas. 

But Dean also trusted, Bearded Dean's relentlessness. He knew the man would not rest until he found a way to get his Castiel out of the deal. Hopefully they would be reunited again pretty soon.

A shadow planning over his head made Dean look up. A few seconds later Castiel landed in front him, wings fluttering behind his back. The hunter darted panicked eyes on him.

"You were supposed to stay with Sam. What happened, is he okay?"

Castiel held up his hand, a gesture meant to appease the hunter.

"You don't need to worry Dean. My powers started to recover as soon as I passed through the rift and I've been able to heal him. He's safe."

"Oh."

A heavy burden lifted off Dean's shoulder and he suddenly breathed better. Great. Sammy would be alright. He opened his mouth to thank the angel but the sudden confusion on his face stopped the words from coming forth. 

Castiel seemed to realize now that the hunter was alone.  "Where is the other Dean?" 

"He got home." Dean replied then furnished more details. By the end of it, he realized that Castiel too, seemed happy for the guy. "It's only the two of us now." 

Castiel avoided this fond stare that burned right through him. His wings spreaded nervously behind his back, the feathers flapping at a fevered pace. Awed, Dean got lost in their movement and had to snap his attention back on Cas when the angel spoke to him.

"Would you let me-- um. Is it okay if I-- If I fly you to the rift?" When the angel found an interesting spot on the ground to examinate with great interest, Dean's lips curved in a smile.

"Well, I don't know Cas, I already have a hard time with airplanes..."

The angel did not seem to notice the teasing tone. His face flushed and his wings folded until they dispeared on his back. But by the time he assembled enough courage to lift his head he  gasped at discovering how close Dean had gotten. 

"I'm sorry." Castiel said instinctively, not knowing what he was apologizing for. 

"You didn't let me finish Cas." 

"It's okay I understand. We still have enough time left  to walk there. I didn't mean to..." He seemed to lose his trail of thoughts. Dean couldn't be any closer now. For once he was the one invading the angel's personal space.

"I've wanted to do this for such a long time." He whispered. Kaia's weapon fell on the ground before he pulled Castiel in for a kiss.

 He felt the angel's body freeze as his hands found their way under the trench coat and he circled  Cas' waist to get more of the sensation of their body pressed against each other. Surrending under the gentle pressure, Castiel parted his own lips and slowly moved in synchronization with Dean. 

"Should I take that as a yes then?" Castiel asked when they finally parted to catch their breath. Dean smirked.

"Where did you hide that cockiness before?"

Delighted by Dean's kiss, Castiel now felt bold enough to give a small peck on the top of his nose then traced the hunter's jaw line until he reached his ear. 

"Put your arms around my neck and hold on tight." Cas instructed.

Dean picked up the weapon then executed the command as Castiel enclosed him within his arms. 

This is happening. Dean thought. Oh God I'm not ready!

He hoped that Castiel couldn't feel his frantic heartbeat. He trusted the angel with his life. Heck, he would even follow him down to hell, litterally. He shouldn't be afraid about being suspended in the sky with him.

Castiel's wings sprouted widely, gorgeous storm of black feathers. Dean had only the time to blink before Cas flew them up in a straight line.

The hunter watched the ground appearing smaller as they gained altitude until they now hovered above the trees of The Bad Place. 

  
"You know I love you right?!" Dean screamed, to be heard despite the wind hitting them from everywhere.

"I didn't get that!" Castiel yelled back. "Maybe try a bit louder?"

Dean cackled until his ribs hurt. This new side of Cas he just uncovered enlightened his heart with a warmth comparable to that of a summer bonfire.

"I LOVE YOU TOO!" the angel roared to the open sky.

And they flew back home, they flew back to happiness.

 

The END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. Wow. I literally cannot believe that I FINALLY finished this book. I started in April and had published only six chapters before I went on hiatus for FIVE months. But when I got back I was amazed to see that some of you had still stick around and were waiting for next updates. Every single comment and kudos means literally the world and thanks to you I grew so confident in my writing that I tackled other projects. I'm still learning and trying to ameliorate my style cuz I envisage writing as a career. While I'm working on my next project, in a few months I'll come back to this story, correct the mistakes and add a few lenght to some chapters. In the meantime... T.H.A.N.K Y.O.U and to my silent readers I love you from the bottom of my heart. 
> 
> Oh and Happy New Year!!!!


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